Still Dreaming

Hi there,

Have you ever woken from a dream (or nightmare) and wondered what the heck does that mean? You’re not alone. After my husband, Larry, died I’ve had some dreams that filled me with a sense of peace and others that left me shaken.

Where do Dreams come from?

Dreams have a long history of being studied and interpreted. From ancient philosophers to current day new age beliefs, interpretations of dreams can be fascinating. Some believe your dreams stem from your sub-conscious thoughts; others believe your spirit and soul are connected to your dreams. I like to believe my dreams are a combination of both, my sub-conscious and people who have had a strong impact on my soul are represented in my dreams. Which is why I was so upset after Larry died that he didn’t come into any of my dreams.

When Dreams are all you have left

“It’s not fair”, I cried, as I sat across from my grief counselor during a session after Larry died. The fairness I was referring to in the session was not that my husband Larry had recently died, I was crying that it wasn’t fair that I hadn’t seen him in any of my dreams since he passed away.

Each night that I went to sleep, I kept hoping he would come to me in my dreams, it was all I had left of him. It was bad enough that I could no longer physically touch or see him, I so desperately wanted to touch him and see him in my dreams. So why wasn’t he coming to me?

My counselor listened attentively to my angst of not being able to see Larry in my dreams, then shared with me that she had some experience in analyzing dreams. She offered one explanation, that I wasn’t ready yet.

Losing Larry had been such a shock to my body and soul that my subconscious was trying to protect me from any more pain. What if seeing Larry in my dreams caused me more heartache?

On one hand, I understood what she was trying to tell me, on another hand, I didn’t like it. I was willing to face any pain that may come my way if I could just see his face one more time.

I spent a few months agonizing, and even trying to connect telepathically! “Come on Larry,” I said more than once, “it’s ok, please come to me in my dreams.”

I tried to tell myself to have faith, when the time is right, he’ll come to me in my dreams.

Meanwhile, each morning I woke up I had to face the day ahead of me. Besides the day-to-day tasks of taking care of my children, I had to decide on where we were going to live.

I’ve shared with you before we sold our house in Illinois just when Larry received his diagnosis. We had a temporary living situation in Arizona so there was no rush to decide. Instead we put our stuff in storage and concentrated on getting Larry the medical care he needed.

After Larry died, I couldn’t put off the decision any longer. Do I move back to Illinois, uproot the boys from their school and group of friends? On the flip-side, they would be closer to family.

I weighed the pros and cons, but in my heart, I wanted to follow the dream Larry and I had already established while he was alive. We were going to build our own home in Arizona. A home that our boys could grow up in and that we ourselves could grow old in and enjoy having the kids bring their own families back to visit us. I just didn’t know if I was up to doing this on my own.

One day, I came across a piece of property in an area that Larry and I wanted to live. The house was old, and the property was in foreclosure. At the time, the real estate market was picking back up and if the house was priced right it would be snatched up quickly. After I took the boys to school I drove by the house and realized this could be our new home. Over the next few days everything happened quickly, I made an offer and after some negotiating my offer was accepted.

And then I panicked. What did I get myself into?

A new beginning

With the events moving so quickly I didn’t have time to ponder any of the emotions that come with the making this big of a decision. That night I went to bed wondering if I made the right decision. I fell into a deep sleep and started to dream. In my dream I was in a room engulfed in complete darkness. Someone was walking towards me. As he got closer, I recognized it was Larry and he was carrying a baby. The baby appeared to be about six months old, bald except for some fine wisps of hair on the top of its head. The baby was smiling and clinging to Larry.

Larry looked wonderful! The last month of his battle with leukemia had been difficult on his body. But the Larry I saw in my dreams was the Larry I remembered from when we first met. He was grinning from ear to ear, his dimples prominent and the happiness radiated from his eyes.

I honestly don’t know how long I stayed in the dream but when I woke up, it was the first morning I had felt peace in my heart. I was thrilled! Larry finally came to me in my dreams. The baby had to be the baby that I miscarried. It brought me comfort that they had found each other.

I couldn’t wait for my next session to tell my counselor about my dream. She listened as I shared with her the details of my dream, the details of the happiness I saw on Larry’s face and the baby he was holding. I told her about the miscarriage I had between Henry and the twins, and I believed the baby Larry was holding was the baby I lost.

When I finished sharing my dream, she agreed politely that that’s what my dream could’ve meant, however, as a dream analyst, she also wanted to share that a baby in a dream can represent a new beginning. Perhaps the dream came at the perfect time. With all the turmoil I had been feeling about moving into a new home without Larry, this dream could ease some of the conflict I struggled with. It was OK to have a new beginning and takes steps to move forward into a new home.

As I mentioned above, I do believe dreams stem from our subconscious, yet I still believe individuals who have an impact on our souls are the ones represented in our dreams. Who better to ease my conflict than Larry?

Larry was my husband, the love of my life, but he was also my confidant, my best friend and the one person I bounced all my ideas off and the one person that could help me decide, especially a big decision.

I believed then, and I still do, Larry came to me at just the right moment.

Not all dreams are good dreams

Since then I have had other dreams with Larry in them. Some have left me feeling elated, others disturbed.

Before Larry died, he had been a real estate investor and developer. I worked with him mostly behind the scenes taking care of all the accounting and administrative work. From permitting, getting architect plans to picking out finishes we discussed every step of the process with each other. After Larry died, I had to take on a more active role in his business. Over the years I’ve had to make decisions, some of them more difficult than others. Many times, I’m left wondering if I made the right decision.

I remember waking up in a panic after experiencing a very disturbing dream. I dreamt Larry and I were arguing over the business. We were arguing about decisions that were made since he passed away. In my dream he was no longer dead. He was alive, and he wasn’t happy. He was yelling and asking why I made the decisions that I had. I woke up shaken and disturbed by his demeanor. Of course, Larry and I had our share of disagreements, but most arguments stemmed from our personal relationship, not our business relationship.

I was stunned. Why was he so mad at me? Again, I brought this up with my counselor.

Personal conflict can manifest in angry dreams

It was her belief, that I was conflicted. I had no choice but to make decisions for the business, yet, I didn’t want to make these decisions without Larry. Subconsciously I had worried whether I had made good or bad decisions. The worry, the conflict I faced manifested in my dreams as an argument between Larry and me.

One of the strongest attributes to my marriage with Larry was mutual respect. I guess even in death I hoped he respected the decisions I made, but I would never know and these disturbing dreams brought those feelings to the surface.

Let the good Dreams overshadow the bad ones

Over the years I’ve had many dreams about Larry, some have seemed so real, that I’m heartbroken when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. Most of my dreams are pleasant and bring me peace. I’m glad I learned the meaning behind dreams, because now I can always pinpoint the root behind Larry appearing upset with me. It’s still unnerving, but I can shake it off much quicker.

“Dreams, that’s where I have to go, to see your beautiful face”

 The summer after Larry died, I listened to the song “Not Over You”, by Gavin DeGraw over and over. Above are some lyrics from that song. I still love this song. It’s helped me to realize, regardless if it’s a good dream or a bad dream, I’m just happy that I’m still dreaming of Larry.

It truly is wonderful to see his beautiful face in my dreams.

I pray your dreams bring you peace.

Many Blessings,

Pam

 

P.S. For more information about the meaning of dreams, go to http://www.dreammoods.com/

United in Grief

September 11, 2001. I’m sure you can visualize where you were that tragic morning as our country was being attacked. I was changing Henry, who was only nine months old, when I heard Larry screaming from the living room for me to come and see what was happening. We watched in horror as the twin towers collapsed.

Disbelief, shock, anger, overwhelming sadness, were just a few of the emotions many people felt that day and for many days, weeks, months and years to come, as we learned how the events unfolded and heard from families who lost a loved one that fateful day.

Even if you personally didn’t know someone who died, you grieved. The magnitude of lives lost was unfathomable.

How in the world will we recover? Can we recover?

As a nation we were all grieving. And grief has a way of uniting people. Grief is humbling. Grief can bring out our humanity that allows us to transcend beyond nationalities, religions and economic status.

As a nation we had a choice. Do we live in fear or do we rise up, celebrate every day we have and move forward? I like to believe we chose the latter. Babies continued to be born, weddings were held, and other life celebrations went on as planned.

We had to move forward.

After the attacks, I watched every interview of surviving family members and cried as they shared their story. How horrible, how will they go on? I wondered many times. How does one survive such a tragic and unexpected event?

I prayed for the families and hoped they would find a way to heal. As a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, I related to the surviving members as best I could. At the time I couldn’t, didn’t, want to even think about how I would cope if I lost someone so close to me.

Unfortunately, losing my husband, Larry, in 2010, I started to understand the grief of such a devastating loss.  

Fast forward to 2015. I chaperoned a school trip to New York City with George and Charlie. They were participants in the Montessori Model United Nations conference. Before the scheduled events took place, we decided to visit the 9/11 memorial site and museum.

I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed with emotion as I walked by the bronze parapets surrounding the memorial pool. Tears welled up in my eyes as I read the names of all the innocent victims of 9/11. Once more, I thought about the families as well and prayed they found a way to live again.  

While exiting through the museum store I started to watch the video on display interviewing surviving family members. I felt a tremendous amount of empathy as I listened. Hearing one woman speak in particular made me catch my breath and fight back tears because every word she said is exactly how I felt after Larry died.

The woman was talking about her husband and the shock she experienced afterward, how surreal it all was, and she couldn’t believe he was gone. She described how she would look in the closet and see all his clothes and think, this can’t be real.

While the circumstances of our grief were different, the sorrow she expressed looking at her husband’s clothes was exactly how I felt looking at Larry’s clothes in our closet.

I stood many days outside of my closet that I shared with Larry just staring at his clothes. For a while, I didn’t want to wash them, because I didn’t want to lose any odor that reminded me of him. So, I would straighten anything out of line, refold if necessary and some days grab a T-shirt and hug it tight while I cried.

Respectfully I am not comparing my loss to the woman who lost her husband to the tragic circumstances of 9/11, but I am relating to her loss.

The same way I could relate to her loss, I remembered all the stories that gave hope. I have watched over the years as news coverage aired stories about the families and the wonderful ways the they’ve been able to honor the loved one they lost. Positive, uplifting updates on where families are today, sharing the struggles they faced and finding joy in their lives. All these stories have been inspirational and reminds me everyday that no matter how bleak the future appears, hang in there, somewhere on this path of grief you will find hope.

Needless to say, I found hope at one of the last places I could’ve ever imagined, at the 9/11 memorial.

After spending some time at the waterfall, I walked around the grounds surrounding the pools of water. I came across a Callery pear tree (pictured above) and was shocked to learn that it was found amongst all the rubble at ground zero, its roots and limbs snapped but there was one branch budding to alert someone that there was still a little life left in it.

The tree was taken, replanted and carefully nurtured. When the 9/11 memorial site was built, the Callery pear tree was brought back and remains at the site today.

The tree continues to flourish and is known as the Survivor tree. But has provided a much greater significance, it’s become a symbol of endurance, resilience, and hope.

For me, it’s a reminder, if you are broken, you must find time to nurture yourself, allow yourself to just be, allow yourself to heal. We don’t know what the future holds, but I do believe whatever we nurture today, will bloom in the future.

It’s hard to believe something so beautiful came out of something so horrible. Goes to show what a little TLC can do!

I pray you find endurance, resilience and hope on your path to creating a life you WANT to live.

Many Blessing,

Pam

P.S. Photo of the Survivor Tree is courtesy of Forbes.com

 

Re-establish the Nucleus of Your Family

 

I shared with you before that Larry and I dated for an extended period of time (almost nine years!) before we decided to get married and have children. Obviously, things didn’t happen overnight and there were many adjustments along the way.

 

 

Our first adjustment was getting used to living with each other. Fortunately we had known each other for so long and knew each other so well that the adjustments were minor. Then came the biggest change in our lives: becoming parents. While it may have taken us a while to get to the altar, truth is we wasted no time in having children.

 

Our first son, Henry, was born shortly after we got married, followed two-and-a-half years later by the twins, George and Charlie. In three years we went from a family of two to a family of five! This required a lot of adjustments and a conscious effort on both our parts to ensure everyone in our family felt loved and respected.  

 

The birth of our children and becoming parents brought us an immense amount of joy and any adjustments we had to make, we made for the benefit of our family.

 

Some of the changes we had to make were with respect to creating “family time,” “couples time” for Larry and me, and “one-on-one time” with each of the boys.

 

Family time could be as simple as all of us walking to the park for a few hours and spending uninterrupted time pushing the boys on the swings, helping them climb the monkey bars or playing tag as they got older and loved to run.

 

Couples time consisted of anything that involved the two of us without kids! We loved our kids so much, but we recognized parenthood was an all-consuming role and we didn’t want to forget that this family started out with just the two of us.

 

One-on-one time was precious to the boys, especially when it was time alone with Larry. I could see it on each boy’s face when he came back from an outing with Larry. He would walk in the door standing tall, with his chest puffed out making sure the other two could see what he had in his hand; a slushy, piece of candy, whatever treat Larry let them have. He would act all cool as the other two would say things like, “aww man, dad got you…” Yes, each boy had their moment to brag, it was comical and endearing all at the same time.

 

And then Larry died. I not only lost my companion in life, but my partner in raising our children.  

 

I felt broken and alone. Very alone.

 

If I felt this way, I could only imagine how the boys were feeling.

In an instant my family of five became a family of four. The nucleus of our family circle was shattered and it was up to me to try and put the pieces back together. The one person I wanted to talk to and get advice on how to fix our broken family was gone.

 

I had no idea what to do, the only thing I knew was that it couldn’t be fixed overnight. Just like Larry and I had needed time to adjust to marriage and the birth of each of our children, I would need time for my children and me to recreate the nucleus of our family.

 

The first step was the hardest. I had to face the reality that Larry was gone and our family of five would never look the same again.

 

But did that mean we weren’t a family any longer? Absolutely not!

 

Many families today face the same challenge of re-creating a family unit that has changed with a marriage, birth, divorce, or death. Adult children moving back home and caring for elderly parents in the home is becoming all too common. Each time the dynamics of a family changes, roles need to be re-established, boundaries need to be evaluated, and time needs to be spent developing relationships.

 

Through individual and group counseling I received guidance and courage to take positive steps to rebuild my family.

 

I would like to share with you some of the guidance I received and implemented with my family.

 

Be clear on the new boundaries and expectations:

 

Originally all of the house “rules” were put into place as a team: mom and dad. After Larry died I had to figure out what rules I wanted to keep and what ones I didn’t. If your children are old enough, engage them in conversation and get their input regarding the establishment of boundaries and expectations. Once you have determined what the boundaries are (bedtime, homework, extra-curricular activities, etc.) sit down with your children and be clear about your expectations. I recommend reevaluating this at least once a year. As children grow, the expectations and responsibilities change as well.

 

What about adult children living back at home? Or, elderly parents moving in?

 

Sometimes having adult children move back home is harder than having little ones! But it’s your home, boundaries and expectations need to be established no matter what the age for any family member moving into your home. The purpose is to create a living environment that is as harmonious and peaceful as possible.

 

Spend time collectively, unplugged, as a family:

 

One of the gifts Larry left the boys and I was his love of travel, especially road trips! At the time Larry passed away, there was a remarkable family from my children’s school who had plans to spend two nights at a cabin in Greer, Arizona. It’s a beautiful town northeast of Phoenix and offers a quiet, serene get-away. When they heard of our loss, they decided as a family to gift us the fully paid stay in the cabin. I was in awe at their generosity. I saved their gift and used it on the one-year anniversary of Larry’s death.

 

I piled the kids and two golden retrievers (who had recently joined our family) into the mini-van and took another step towards redefining what our family vacations would look like going forward. On the way to the cabin we reminisced about all the previous road trips we had taken with Larry.

 

Sharing stories about Larry brought smiles to our faces and laughter filled the car. I never would’ve imagined the year prior that any of us could laugh so easily.

 

 

 

We had taken many steps to heal individually and collectively as a family, and this was one more: a step taken together to mark one the one-year anniversary of Larry’s death and the addition of two more members, Star and Cruiser (pictured above).

 

We have since taken more road trips, some of the best ones include the dogs. We have laughed, bickered (remember 4 people and 2 good size dogs in one car and one hotel room!) and even shed some tears. All these moments have re-established the nucleus of my immediately family.  

 

Now, here I am, almost nine years after Larry died, and the nucleus of my family has changed again. With Henry off to college, I need to reevaluate all the steps I mentioned above. From minor issues like splitting chores (George and Charlie don’t think this is minor!) to creating family time just for me, George and Charlie. This part is a little harder now that the boys are teenagers, George has his own license to drive and a girlfriend.

 

I’m doing my best to find moments when it is just the three of us and I can pull out a deck of cards or UNO and tell them it’s family time. I’ll admit it’s a little awkward in the beginning. You don’t realize that impact one person has on a family until they are no longer physically with the family. Family bantering combined with individual personalities makes family time unique, so when a member leaves or joins the family, time is needed to re-establish the ever-changing family nucleus.

 

As I sit here and write this, I remember the pain I felt each time I looked at a family picture of me, Larry and the boys. I felt my family was forever broken, shattered. But now, I can look at that same picture and smile at Larry and say, “Look what we created!”

 

While the picture is sure to change again, my love for him and my boys will forever remain the same. This love has given me strength to put the pieces of my family back together. The pieces are different and may not align perfectly, but neither do the pieces in a mosaic picture- and it’s still beautiful.

 

I pray you will find a way to make your shattered pieces fit together once more. 

Many Blessings,

 

Pam

Grief has many faces

Hello there,

Last week I shared with you that I felt I was experiencing another realm of grief after my oldest son left for college. It made me think more about grief and that it’s not only related to death. In fact, grief has many faces.

While most of my posts about grief center around the loss of my husband, Larry, there are other experiences in my life that have led to me grieving. I know I’m not alone. I imagine if you’ve lived life you too have experienced grief. Grief is related to loss, but not only the loss of a loved one.

I have poured quite a bit of my heart into my weekly posts and I’m always grateful for the amount of support I receive from you, my readers.

I’m truly humbled when I get an email sharing the journey you’re on and how you could relate to what I’ve been through. Many of you have had profound losses of your own that create our common ground.

Like I said, I’m so grateful to read your stories… Yet, I’m saddened when I see the caveat that sometimes comes first: “It’s not the same as losing your husband…”

I’m saddened because I don’t want you- or anyone, for that matter- to discount your own difficulties and your own journey of healing.

But I get it. I felt the same way last week. It’s not the same as losing Larry, but it still hurts.

I had to stop myself and listen to the same advice I would give anyone else who was hurting while dealing with a life change. DO NOT discount your feelings!  

No, it’s not the same, but just because you’re not facing the loss of a loved one, doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. It doesn’t mean you don’t have your own pain that needs to heal.  

It’s a common misconception that grief is only related to the death of a loved one.

After years of grieving and educating myself on what grief truly is, I have come to understand that grief has many faces.

I’ve also learned over the years that grief is a continuous process of letting go.

One doesn’t “get over” the pain… You heal from the pain.

Unfortunately, the pain associated with letting go is part of the healing process. While I accept that some pain is more profound than others, as far as I’m concerned if you’re hurting, you’re grieving.  Rather than compare whose grief is greater I say we be respectful of each other’s pain and offer support, love and encouragement. 

In the book, Good Grief, by Granger E. Westward, he discusses the various losses we face in our lives. Regardless of the source of the sorrow, many of the emotions (shock, anger, depression, guilt, and acceptance- to name a few) are the same and require a process that allows for healing.

What would you say if I told you you’ve dealt with grief throughout your life?

Did you recognize it for what it was? Probably not, as many people don’t realize they’re grieving.

Most of us have dealt with the end of a relationship at one time or another in our lives. The end of some relationships is extremely difficult.

A separation or a divorce is devastating. Grief is constantly by your side as you go through the process of separating your lives from one another. The intensity of emotions is very high, and the pain is very real. Before one can move forward after a life changing event such as this, one needs to take time to grieve the loss of the relationship and find a positive path to healing.  

Another example is receiving the diagnosis of a child with special needs, an occasion of sorrow and pain for the parents. Having a child with special needs is an experience that can be challenging and rewarding all at the same time… But it’s not easy.

When we first learned that our son, Charlie, was diagnosed with Mosaic Down’s syndrome, Larry and I both grieved. We grieved for many reasons, but certainly not because we didn’t love him or want him. Quite the contrary, our hearts we’re grieving for the difficulties he would most likely face during his lifetime.

Then, a few years later, some of that grief resurfaced when Charlie was diagnosed with Autism. Only this time I had to grieve alone, since Larry had already passed away.

Speaking from experience, grieving alone is hard, and I really miss Larry’s bear hugs that he used to give to comfort me.

Receiving the diagnosis of a chronic illness is another life challenge that brings grief into your life. The diagnosis can be frightening, what with all the unknowns attached to it. Along with these fears comes grief, both for the unfamiliar future and for the lives that may be altered.  

As for me, when I learned how severe Larry’s illness was, I grieved for him, our family and our future. This also brought on a lot of anxiety, which I will discuss in another post.

Another form of grief that’s becoming all too common in many families is the one that accompanies depression and all forms of mental illness, including addictions. The individual isn’t the only one affected, because basically anyone who loves the person ends up suffering too.

For years I grieved the loss of a loved one who faced addiction and mental illness. Not because this loved one has died, but because this person is no longer the person I once knew.

Unfortunately, over the years many people have lost their job. That loss is usually followed by other losses (home, relationships, etc.). These individuals may very well find themselves engulfed in grief- and they, too, must find a path towards healing.

Many of these losses cause profound changes in our lives and can certainly rock the very core of our existence.

And though not all grief is that deep, we still need to pay attention and recognize that “grief is grief” and steps need to be taken to heal, to create a new path.

One grief that is not always recognized is the one parents face as we watch our children grow. (Which, by the way, is not to be confused with the “grief” we get from day-to-day parenting- that’s more exasperation than anything else!)

The grief I’m referring to is the sadness (even depression), the anger (have you ever looked at your adolescent and wondered who the heck they were?), and eventually the acceptance that it’s necessary for our children to become independent and eventually leave our homes.

This is the grief I’ve been experiencing. I have had bouts of sadness, anger (sometimes even directed at my son) and even moments of shock. Where the heck did time go?!

 

Whatever life challenges you face, along with them come a whole range of emotions. Recognizing them for what they are- parts of grief- is the first step. The next step is getting on the path to healing. And, if you’ll allow me, I’ll be there to lend a helping hand.

So even though it’s been almost nine years since Larry died, each day I still face having to let go of the life we had together. I must now let go of my children as they do what nature intended for them, to move on and be independent.

I pray every day that I’m given the strength, wisdom and courage to continue the path I’ve chosen to help me heal. I pray you are given the same.

Many Blessings,

Pam

I’ll See You Later

Hi There,

Before my husband, Larry, passed away, we lived in Arizona most of the year. We were fortunate to spend our summers and holidays in Illinois. This allowed the boys to get close with their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. On the flip side, family enjoyed visiting us, especially during the spring training season. 

At the end of each visit when our guests would leave and give everybody a hug and say goodbye, Henry would usually respond with, “Bye, see you later”. Sometimes a little too energetically! This started a good-natured bantering between Henry and our relatives.

“I’m going to miss you Henry will you miss me?” One of them asked. To my embarrassment Henry would laugh and say, “no”. The other person would pretend to be hurt and say in a joking manner, “I’m going to miss you. You won’t miss me at all?” Henry’s response was always the same, “I’m not going to miss you because I’m going to see you again!” And then we would all laugh.

For the most part he was right. In just a few months we would be back in Illinois for the summer and we would see them. It became a running joke that Henry never missed anyone. A stance he has since passed on to Charlie! The great innocence of kids is they don’t waste time worrying about what they might lose in the future. Too bad we can’t stay innocent forever.

Unfortunately, when Henry lost his uncle, then his grandmother, he was very young, but he started to realize that death meant you wouldn’t be able to see the person again. 

When Larry got sick, I was worried how I would handle the boys asking me questions about death and the possibility of Larry dying. To my surprise, when we told the boys that Larry was sick and had to go to the hospital, none of them questioned whether he would die. If they had I would have told them the truth, “we don’t know, but dad was going to get the best care possible.”

After going through a very difficult round of chemo, Larry’s body didn’t respond as we had hoped it would and we knew we wouldn’t have much time left with him. I had to tell my boys their dad was going to die. One of the worst moments of my life.

With the help of a Child life specialist, I sat with the three boys and told them the doctors had done everything they could, but dad was not going to be with us much longer. Henry knew right away what that meant and started to cry. My heart was already breaking knowing I was losing my husband, seeing my boys in pain, pretty much shattered it.

Over the next couple of days, I tried to encourage the boys to see their dad, who was no longer conscious. I wanted to help them find their own way of saying goodbye. George and Charlie couldn’t get enough of touching Larry, crawling in bed beside him, talking to him. Henry on the other hand kept a certain distance of space between him and Larry. Being a little older than George and Charlie I think he understood a little more how final death really was. Henry knew this was our final goodbye, and Henry didn’t want to say goodbye. None of us did. 

After Larry died, the boys and I attended and participated in a grief therapy program at New Song, the center for grieving children. While this helped me and the boys tremendously, grief never completely goes away and over the years we have all experienced challenges at one time or another.

Of my three children, I believe Henry has had the most difficult time facing his grief and trying to heal from it. Freshman and sophomore year of high school were probably his most difficult years as his grief resurfaced. I prayed every day he would find peace, happiness and love in his heart. 

During his Junior year he went on a retreat at school called Kairo’s. It was during this retreat that I feel he really found the peace he had been searching for. And the rest of his high school years were pretty “typical”, and I was more than happy to see my son experience joy in his life. 

I felt blessed that he had some wonderful opportunities ahead of him. Grateful that he may have a chance of creating a life for himself that would allow him to be happy and independent. That’s really all I’ve wanted for all my kids, for them to be happy and independent. 

As much as I love my kids and wish I could keep them under my wings for as long as possible, I know that’s not realistic. I just wish the time didn’t go by so fast. A reminder to cherish every moment I can while they are in my home.

Throughout the summer many people would ask me how I was feeling knowing Henry would be leaving and going to school almost 1,500 miles away from home. I would respond that I really tried hard not to think about it. I wanted to enjoy the time we had as much as I could. It was my way of coping with the inevitable, when my son leaves, it’s not only his life that is changing but mine as well.

Then the weekend that I secretly dreaded came and we flew to Chicago.  We shopped for his dorm room, we visited family and enjoyed our last few days together.

The atmosphere when we arrived on campus was festive and the day took off like a whirlwind. Football meetings, a condensed parent orientation and a short window of time to move into the dorm room took up most of the day. The final event was a pig roast for the football team and parents. Even that didn’t last long. The freshman players we’re required to leave the pig roast to go meet with the doctor to assess any injuries they may have come to camp with and after was a full team meeting. Parents were told to say goodbye after the pig roast.

Wait, I wanted to shout, this is too fast, I need more time.

Secretly, I think the coach did this on purpose. No time for long drawn out weepy goodbyes!

Henry walked me to my car, and true to form, gave me a kiss, and said, “See ya later mom, I gotta go.” And off he went. No, “I’ll miss you”!

I watched him go, got in my car and waited. I waited for tears to come, but they didn’t.

Ok, I thought, it will hit me when I get home.

My flight was delayed, so I didn’t get home until after one in the morning. I was so tired I went straight to bed. I’ll face his absence in the morning, I thought as I crawled into bed. For sure the tears will come then.

But the tears didn’t come. Instead, I felt a little numb.  

Of course, being a mother, I felt guilty. Is there something wrong with me? My first child left for college, and there are no tears?

Oh no, have I adopted Henry’s stance on not missing people?!

Of course, the answer is no to all the above. I know I’m not a terrible mother for not shedding tears and I certainly WILL miss him, even though I will see him very soon.  

Instead of breaking down in tears I’ve had other challenges. I’ve had difficulty focusing or concentrating on my work. I’ve found myself wandering aimlessly throughout my house knowing there was so much to do, yet not really feeling like doing anything.

With all the boys back in school I’ve had my to do list ready and waiting for me to tackle each task one by one. This past week I’ve had zero motivation to do any of it.

What is wrong with me?

By Saturday, while I was sitting around watching TV, (remember no motivation) a little light bulb went on over my head and that’s when it hit me. I’ve experienced all these symptoms before. There was another time in my life that I had to recreate my life, recreate what the nucleus of my family looked like. That time was after Larry died.

It’s another realm of grief. It’s different than the grief I felt when Larry died, but it is grief, nonetheless.

After years of working so hard to create a new life for me and the boys, I’m realizing now I must work on creating a new life just for me. Henry going to college is just the beginning. I have a little time with George and Charlie still at home, but in two years they will be off to college, and I know just how fast the two years can go.

Oh boy, here we go again!

I mentioned above that I pray everyday for my boys to be happy and independent, well I think it’s time to include myself in those prayers.

Here’s to creating a Life that I want to Live!

Here’s to YOU creating a Life YOU want to Live!

I pray we all find the strength to make it happen.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Are you drinking enough water?

Hello there,

Living in Arizona for the last fifteen years has given me ample reason to pay more attention to my levels of hydration, especially in the summer!

Dehydration can occur when you use or lose more body fluids than you’re taking in. Many people believe that when they are thirsty, it’s a good indicator that they need to drink more water.

However, according to the Mayo Clinic, thirst isn’t always a reliable early indicator of the body’s need for water. Many people don’t feel thirsty until they’re already dehydrated. That’s why it’s important to increase water intake during hot weather, when you exercise or if you’re feeling ill.

When you’re grieving you may not feel like eating or drinking, even water. But it’s imperative to keep up your fluid intake.

Throughout Larry’s illness and after his death I cried like I never cried before. I remember I was constantly thirsty. My lips were chapped, my skin was dry, my body ached, and I experienced headaches off and on. Yes, all of these are attributable to grief, yet they were also signs I needed more water.

Of course, I did!

The tears would roll down my face like a rapid river. I can’t even begin to measure how much water my body lost through my tears.

While I drank water, it seemed as though I couldn’t get enough.

As I healed, the volume of tears I shed lessened. But my awareness to my intake of water and its effects on my overall health has remained.

There are many factors that can affect our level of hydration and/or cause dehydration:

Climate: excessive heat, altitude

Excessive sweating

Exercise

Illness: fevers, vomiting, diarrhea

Excessive urination – from undiagnosed diabetes, certain medications (such as diuretics)

Why is water and staying hydrated so important?

The human body is approximately 60% water. Every cell, tissue and organ relies on adequate hydration to function properly. Below are some of the important roles of water within the body:

The brain needs water to function properly. Without it, the brain’s processing abilities are affected and short-term memory is impaired.

Water acts as a shock absorber for the brain and spinal cord.

Water allows cells to grow, reproduce and survive.

The digestive tract wouldn’t function properly without water. It’s essential in the creation of saliva (to break down our food) and in the intestinal tract, where water and fiber are both needed to help eliminate waste.

Water is necessary to regulate your body temperature through perspiration and respiration.

Water is a lubricant for muscles and joints and helps keep them working properly. Anytime I feel sore muscles and/or achy joints at the end of the day I know I didn’t drink enough water that day.

What are some signs you may not be drinking enough water?

The first sign is easy enough: check your urine. Infrequent urination and the color of urine speaks volumes. With adequate hydration urine should be clear. If it’s dark yellow, you’re clearly not drinking enough water.

To my kid’s embarrassment I’ve called them out on the color of their urine quite a few times (they’re boys who “forget” to flush). If I happen to go to the bathroom after one of them and I see dark yellow, I start making the rounds asking who just used the bathroom and who isn’t drinking enough water. Oh yes, there are days I know they wish I hadn’t gone down this health path!

Below are more symptoms listed by the Mayo Clinic that can signal inadequate water intake and dehydration:

Dry, sticky mouth

Sleepiness or tiredness — children are likely to be less active than usual

Thirst

No wet diapers for three hours for infants

Few or no tears when crying

Dry skin

Headache

Constipation

Dizziness or lightheadedness

So, you might be wondering, what is an adequate amount of water to consume?

The rule of thumb is to drink one-half your body weight in ounces of water. For example, if you weigh 150 pounds, then you should be drinking 75 ounces of water daily.

However, you need to increase your intake if you consume caffeinated beverages (coffee and soda are the most common) and/or alcohol. In addition, some medications may lead to loss of water and you may need to drink more water to compensate for this.

Be sure to talk to your doctor about any medications you’re taking that may affect hydration.

I know that may sound like a lot of water, but there’s more than one way to increase your level of hydration.

Herbal teas can count toward your daily goal of water intake. Just remember green tea and black tea contain caffeine, which has diuretic properties and would require you to drink more water.

Juicing is a great way to increase your fluid intake.

100% fruit juices can count but I caution you to limit fruit juices if they have a high sugar content.

Soup is a great way to add liquids into your diet. A hot bowl of soup in the summer doesn’t sound appetizing, but there is always gazpacho!

Fruits and vegetables that have high content of water (oranges, grapefruit, even lettuce) can contribute to an adequate level of hydration.

Try sparkling water with fresh squeezed lemon or limes in lieu of soda.

Get a water infuser and experiment with different herbs, fruits and vegetables to flavor the water.

So, if you’re looking at a list of changes you need to make with respect to your health, I hope this one’s at the top of your list.

Bottom line: our bodies need water to function properly. With all the diet recommendations/changes you may be contemplating, this one is by far the simplest one to implement. Mostly because it’s one thing YOU have the ability to control.

No matter what steps you choose to take this year, I pray you have support from family and friends and- most importantly faith in yourself that you can do it!

Many blessings,

Pam

It’s A Beautiful Day!

Hello,

Are you someone who jumps out of bed each morning full of gusto and ready to face the world? Or, do you automatically hit the snooze button multiple times and pull the covers over your head? I tend to be somewhere in the middle. I get out of bed with purpose, but I do need time to myself to replenish my spirit and face the day ahead of me. This helps me accept all things within and without of my control much easier. Thankfully I learned years ago just what I needed to do for myself to gear up for the day.

I have a morning routine that I’ve enjoyed since my oldest son, Henry, was born. At first it started out as a luxury. After making the decision to be a stay-at-home mom, I thankfully didn’t have to rush out the door each morning with my coffee in one hand and a banana in the other.

No, sir: once I switched gears and worked inside my home I could get up, stay in my cozy pajamas, grab some coffee plus the newspaper and relax quietly while I leisurely sipped at my coffee… At least until my baby woke up and made sure I heard him loud and on the baby monitor, which usually happened about two sips into my coffee!

Once I put the coffee down and picked up my son, the day no longer belonged to me. Between taking care of Henry and all the other responsibilities that came with being a parent and running a home there was always something to do.

After a few months of feeling as though I had no time for myself I decided it was up to me to make the time. So I started setting my alarm again, something I never thought I would have to do once I quit my job.

That’s right: I set my alarm so I could get up thirty minutes before my baby was scheduled to get up. I even went so far as to prepare my coffee the night before and set the timer so it would be ready when I woke up.

It’s something I still do every day and its absolute heaven for me to wake up, get out of bed and literally smell the coffee.

It makes no difference how terrible the day before may have been; when I wake up, inhale that wonderful aroma and snuggle up in my chair (or back in my bed) to read the paper all my senses come alive. Without even realizing what I’m doing, I take a deep breath, exhale and think to myself, “It’s a beautiful day!”

Back then I realized quickly that what I once thought of as a luxury was, in fact, a necessity. As most of you know, no matter how well you plan your day something can and does happen to throw you for a loop.

Giving myself time in the morning to partake in an activity that I enjoy helps reduce the levels of stress and anxiety that can build quickly throughout the day.

Never did I need this time more than after Larry died and I was completely consumed with grief. Grief was my constant companion every second of every day. I wondered many days, Will I ever feel joy, love or peace again?

Each morning when I was fully awake, the reality of what happened would hit me like a ton of bricks. But I had to get up. I had to get my kids ready for school. In auto mode, I would get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee, the paper and sit in my chair. Some days I stared at the paper, some days I read the same sentence over and over. Yet each day I carved out a little time just for ME. I gave myself an activity that had nothing to do with healing from grief, yet ironically, it gave me the ability to heal when I needed it most.

I pushed aside my grief, my worries about how I would get through the day and I just sat.

Days, months and years of carving out this time just for ME each morning has given me the ability to reclaim strength to face each day and tell myself, I CAN DO THIS!

Even today, I find I’m much more capable of handling curve balls thrown in my direction because I know I’ll always have a little piece of each day to myself. But, with a house full of kids I had to put a few ground rules in place.

Over the years my children have learned that if they wake up and I’m in my chair with a cup of coffee and reading the paper it’s “my” time and, unless it’s a pressing issue, they must respect my space.

So maybe you’re not a morning person or drink coffee or read the newspaper. My routine is what I decided was good for me. My routine works for me because it’s something I enjoy and I’ve communicated to other members of my household how important it is for me to have this time.

Of course, as a mom I struggled with the guilt of not being at the beck and call of my children 100% of the time. But it was my dear late husband, Larry, who would not only encourage me, but also at times tell me point blank: “I think you need some time alone.” Unfortunately, by the time he suggested this I was usually already pretty frazzled!

He taught me that it’s not selfish to take care of myself- quite the contrary, if I don’t it might impede my ability to be the mother I want to be. I find I’m more attentive and patient in the mornings when I’ve given myself time to replenish my spirit.

This is one wellness tool I’m happy to share – no matter what challenges you may face, find at least 30 minutes a day JUST FOR YOU.

It’s a tool I’ve been working on with my children as well. Let’s face it, these days the demands on teenagers continue to increase. Stress within this age group is increasing at rapid rates and everything from schoolwork to activities seems to be urgent.

Mind you, my kids may not drink coffee and sitting down to read the paper is not an activity they want to do. However, each one of my kids has a different activity that helps them unwind, quiet their brain and replenishes their energy so they can tackle homework or any other responsibilities they may have.

Here are some tips on creating some personal time:

Pick an activity you enjoy, for example, listening to music, walking, reading a book, meditating, journaling, drawing, taking a bath, etc. There are no hard and fast rules of what you should or shouldn’t do. My only recommendation is to find an activity that does not involve a lot of communication or interaction with others. Remember this is your time.

 

Let the members of your household know when it’s your time. Don’t be afraid to shut a door if that’s what it takes to get your space.

 

Be somewhat consistent with the time of day. Creating a routine will help to ensure that you’ll be more successful in putting aside this time that you need and using it. Be realistic: is 5:00 p.m. (when dinner and activities tend to dominate this time of day) a reasonable hour to expect personal time? Maybe it is in your home, maybe it isn’t. Only you know what your schedule looks like and the demands you face at different times of the day.

 

End with an affirmation. My affirmation- “It’s a beautiful day”- just came to me one day and I say it almost every morning. It has nothing to do with the weather outside.

 

Life is demanding and when you face grief, stress, anxiety, etc., those demands can magnify. Taking time for yourself is no longer a luxury: it’s a necessity.

I pray you find a little bit of peace each day and… Have a beautiful day!

Blessings,

Pam

 

Hello,

Tomorrow, July 11th, is Larry’s birthday. He would have been 62.

This is the 9^th year we haven’t been able to celebrate his birthday with him.

I wish I could tell you that I don’t cry for him anymore.

I wish I could tell you that I don’t miss his smile and big hugs.

I wish I could tell you that my heart still doesn’t ache.

What I wish most… is that he was still here.

What I have learned from grief is that time doesn’t matter. It could be ninety instead of nine years without Larry and I will still miss him. So, I pray every day for the strength to cope without my greatest love. And I do cope. And you will too.

Time doesn’t erase the memories or the love you still carry in your heart. Thank goodness! What time does is allow the pain to lessen, so as you heal, all the memories that surface are met with love instead of anger. Yes, time (and a lot of therapy) has allowed my heart to heal.

As my heart heals, I’ve learned to appreciate the struggles I’ve overcome. After facing immeasurable sadness I’ve learned to appreciate joy. After experiencing depths of anger that I didn’t know was possible, I’ve come to appreciate peace. While I still have bouts of sadness and anger that surrounds grief, I do my best to find the joy and peace that is in MY life. I try to carry that joy forward each day, including Larry’s birthday.

So even though Larry is not here physically, he is in our hearts and we WILL celebrate his birthday.

The first couple Birthday’s without him, the boys were young, and we did activities that were age appropriate. As they got older, they chose other ways to remember and honor Larry. There is no right or wrong way to remember someone. Trust your gut and trust what you feel in your heart. Below are some activities we did, and still do, to honor Larry:

• Draw cards for him
• Write notes to him
• Balloon release
• Cooked his favorite dinner
• Share our favorite stories about him
• Watched videos of him
• Traveled to places he did, or places he wanted to take the boys

I pray however you choose to remember and honor your loved one, you find the peace and love you deserve.

Many Blessings,

Pam

P.S. The picture above is the last birthday we celebrated with Larry. Happy Birthday My Love!

 

Breathe

Hi there,

 

I’ve shared with you in previous posts that I live with mild anxiety and one of my biggest challenges is being able to capture a full, deep breath.

 

The first time I had a panic attack, I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. My chest tightened and I couldn’t catch my breath. Since my motto as a mom is, “When in doubt get it checked out”, I did go to the Emergency Room and an EKG revealed a perfectly working heart. Thank goodness!

 

In addition to the panic attacks and anxiety I experienced after Larry died, all the heavy crying I did increased my difficulty in catching a deep breath.

 

When Larry died and my whole world fell apart I cried like I never knew a person could cry. Alone in the house while the kids were at school is when the grief poured out of me. With each deep sob I would unconsciously hold my breath until I was forced to take multiple shallow breaths.

 

I didn’t know it at the time, but what I was experiencing is called double breathing.

 

Double breathing after crying is a symptom of acute hyperventilation.

 

Basically you breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. Excessive breathing (in my case the multiple shallow breaths) creates low levels of carbon dioxide in your blood. This causes many of the symptoms of hyperventilation.

 

Hyperventilation is a common side effect of crying, panic attacks or episodes of emotional stress. While double breathing after crying is normally safe if it occurs infrequently, it can be an alarming side effect for those who suffer from anxiety.

I had just suffered a great loss and my crying was daily.  Over time the constant, deep cries, taxed my body in more ways than one.

 

It was during a session with my grief counselor that I explained to her that there were moments I felt I couldn’t catch my breath.  She agreed it was common for someone to have difficulty breathing after experiencing grief. She recommended I practice deep breathing.  Together we practiced a few deep breathing techniques in her office and I went home and found more online.

 

There are many videos on the internet on how to breathe properly but after all the ones I reviewed the one I favor the most is the method practiced by Dr. Andrew Weil, world-renowned leader of integrative medicine. It’s easy and can be done anywhere and at any time you feel the need to take a deep breath. No matter if I’m at home or out I can practice this deep breathing exercise the moment I feel as though I can’t catch my breath.

 

Dr. Weil refers to this as the 4-7-8 or relaxing breath exercise.

 

Here’s how you do it:

 

• Sit with your back straight (but not tense) and your feet on the ground.  If you’re short like me you may have to scoot to the edge of your seat to plant your feet flat.
• Rest your arms at your side or gently on your lap.
• Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose feeling your chest rise and mentally count to four.  Sometimes I close my eyes to really concentrate.
• Hold your breath to a count of seven.
• Open your mouth and exhale completely through your mouth to a count of eight.

 

This is one full breath, repeat this three more times.

 

How does your body feel?  Are you calmer?  Are your breaths deeper?

 

Like my anxiety, I’m sure I’ll live with this for the rest of my life. Again, that’s ok. I’ve gained some wonderful resources along the way so it’s not something I fear will take over my life.

 

Again, if you have difficulty breathing that won’t subside or sharp pains in your chest, please seek medical attention immediately. As I mentioned in the post, Living with anxiety, your health is not something to be gambled with.

 

I pray every breath you take is a breath of fresh air.

 

Pam