Still Dreaming
Hi there,
Have you ever woken from a dream (or nightmare) and wondered what the heck does that mean? You’re not alone. After my husband, Larry, died I’ve had some dreams that filled me with a sense of peace and others that left me shaken.
Where do Dreams come from?
Dreams have a long history of being studied and interpreted. From ancient philosophers to current day new age beliefs, interpretations of dreams can be fascinating. Some believe your dreams stem from your sub-conscious thoughts; others believe your spirit and soul are connected to your dreams. I like to believe my dreams are a combination of both, my sub-conscious and people who have had a strong impact on my soul are represented in my dreams. Which is why I was so upset after Larry died that he didn’t come into any of my dreams.
When Dreams are all you have left
“It’s not fair”, I cried, as I sat across from my grief counselor during a session after Larry died. The fairness I was referring to in the session was not that my husband Larry had recently died, I was crying that it wasn’t fair that I hadn’t seen him in any of my dreams since he passed away.
Each night that I went to sleep, I kept hoping he would come to me in my dreams, it was all I had left of him. It was bad enough that I could no longer physically touch or see him, I so desperately wanted to touch him and see him in my dreams. So why wasn’t he coming to me?
My counselor listened attentively to my angst of not being able to see Larry in my dreams, then shared with me that she had some experience in analyzing dreams. She offered one explanation, that I wasn’t ready yet.
Losing Larry had been such a shock to my body and soul that my subconscious was trying to protect me from any more pain. What if seeing Larry in my dreams caused me more heartache?
On one hand, I understood what she was trying to tell me, on another hand, I didn’t like it. I was willing to face any pain that may come my way if I could just see his face one more time.
I spent a few months agonizing, and even trying to connect telepathically! “Come on Larry,” I said more than once, “it’s ok, please come to me in my dreams.”
I tried to tell myself to have faith, when the time is right, he’ll come to me in my dreams.
Meanwhile, each morning I woke up I had to face the day ahead of me. Besides the day-to-day tasks of taking care of my children, I had to decide on where we were going to live.
I’ve shared with you before we sold our house in Illinois just when Larry received his diagnosis. We had a temporary living situation in Arizona so there was no rush to decide. Instead we put our stuff in storage and concentrated on getting Larry the medical care he needed.
After Larry died, I couldn’t put off the decision any longer. Do I move back to Illinois, uproot the boys from their school and group of friends? On the flip-side, they would be closer to family.
I weighed the pros and cons, but in my heart, I wanted to follow the dream Larry and I had already established while he was alive. We were going to build our own home in Arizona. A home that our boys could grow up in and that we ourselves could grow old in and enjoy having the kids bring their own families back to visit us. I just didn’t know if I was up to doing this on my own.
One day, I came across a piece of property in an area that Larry and I wanted to live. The house was old, and the property was in foreclosure. At the time, the real estate market was picking back up and if the house was priced right it would be snatched up quickly. After I took the boys to school I drove by the house and realized this could be our new home. Over the next few days everything happened quickly, I made an offer and after some negotiating my offer was accepted.
And then I panicked. What did I get myself into?
A new beginning
With the events moving so quickly I didn’t have time to ponder any of the emotions that come with the making this big of a decision. That night I went to bed wondering if I made the right decision. I fell into a deep sleep and started to dream. In my dream I was in a room engulfed in complete darkness. Someone was walking towards me. As he got closer, I recognized it was Larry and he was carrying a baby. The baby appeared to be about six months old, bald except for some fine wisps of hair on the top of its head. The baby was smiling and clinging to Larry.
Larry looked wonderful! The last month of his battle with leukemia had been difficult on his body. But the Larry I saw in my dreams was the Larry I remembered from when we first met. He was grinning from ear to ear, his dimples prominent and the happiness radiated from his eyes.
I honestly don’t know how long I stayed in the dream but when I woke up, it was the first morning I had felt peace in my heart. I was thrilled! Larry finally came to me in my dreams. The baby had to be the baby that I miscarried. It brought me comfort that they had found each other.
I couldn’t wait for my next session to tell my counselor about my dream. She listened as I shared with her the details of my dream, the details of the happiness I saw on Larry’s face and the baby he was holding. I told her about the miscarriage I had between Henry and the twins, and I believed the baby Larry was holding was the baby I lost.
When I finished sharing my dream, she agreed politely that that’s what my dream could’ve meant, however, as a dream analyst, she also wanted to share that a baby in a dream can represent a new beginning. Perhaps the dream came at the perfect time. With all the turmoil I had been feeling about moving into a new home without Larry, this dream could ease some of the conflict I struggled with. It was OK to have a new beginning and takes steps to move forward into a new home.
As I mentioned above, I do believe dreams stem from our subconscious, yet I still believe individuals who have an impact on our souls are the ones represented in our dreams. Who better to ease my conflict than Larry?
Larry was my husband, the love of my life, but he was also my confidant, my best friend and the one person I bounced all my ideas off and the one person that could help me decide, especially a big decision.
I believed then, and I still do, Larry came to me at just the right moment.
Not all dreams are good dreams
Since then I have had other dreams with Larry in them. Some have left me feeling elated, others disturbed.
Before Larry died, he had been a real estate investor and developer. I worked with him mostly behind the scenes taking care of all the accounting and administrative work. From permitting, getting architect plans to picking out finishes we discussed every step of the process with each other. After Larry died, I had to take on a more active role in his business. Over the years I’ve had to make decisions, some of them more difficult than others. Many times, I’m left wondering if I made the right decision.
I remember waking up in a panic after experiencing a very disturbing dream. I dreamt Larry and I were arguing over the business. We were arguing about decisions that were made since he passed away. In my dream he was no longer dead. He was alive, and he wasn’t happy. He was yelling and asking why I made the decisions that I had. I woke up shaken and disturbed by his demeanor. Of course, Larry and I had our share of disagreements, but most arguments stemmed from our personal relationship, not our business relationship.
I was stunned. Why was he so mad at me? Again, I brought this up with my counselor.
Personal conflict can manifest in angry dreams
It was her belief, that I was conflicted. I had no choice but to make decisions for the business, yet, I didn’t want to make these decisions without Larry. Subconsciously I had worried whether I had made good or bad decisions. The worry, the conflict I faced manifested in my dreams as an argument between Larry and me.
One of the strongest attributes to my marriage with Larry was mutual respect. I guess even in death I hoped he respected the decisions I made, but I would never know and these disturbing dreams brought those feelings to the surface.
Let the good Dreams overshadow the bad ones
Over the years I’ve had many dreams about Larry, some have seemed so real, that I’m heartbroken when I wake up and realize it was just a dream. Most of my dreams are pleasant and bring me peace. I’m glad I learned the meaning behind dreams, because now I can always pinpoint the root behind Larry appearing upset with me. It’s still unnerving, but I can shake it off much quicker.
“Dreams, that’s where I have to go, to see your beautiful face”
The summer after Larry died, I listened to the song “Not Over You”, by Gavin DeGraw over and over. Above are some lyrics from that song. I still love this song. It’s helped me to realize, regardless if it’s a good dream or a bad dream, I’m just happy that I’m still dreaming of Larry.
It truly is wonderful to see his beautiful face in my dreams.
I pray your dreams bring you peace.
Many Blessings,
Pam
P.S. For more information about the meaning of dreams, go to http://www.dreammoods.com/