Anger

Hi There,

I’m so angry I could scream!

Have you ever felt intense anger, that you could relate?

I’ve written about an array of emotions but the one I’ve left out is anger. Maybe it’s because I don’t see myself as an angry person. Maybe, it’s because anger has such a negative stigma attached to it. Or, maybe I just don’t want to admit I’m prone to bouts of anger.

Where does anger come from?

The root of most anger is fear, pain and frustration, and who readily admits they feel any of these? Yet, we feel ALL these things when we are facing a life challenge. Feeling helpless and powerless is another cause of anger. Anyone who has experienced some form of grief has at one time or another felt as though matters were beyond their control, i.e. Powerless.  

Why do we hide our anger?

Many of our behaviors are learned from childhood. Many of us (and I’m guilty of doing this as a parent) have at one point or another during our childhood been told, “there’s no reason to be angry.” Although expressed with good intention to diffuse a situation, the message this sends is that anger is not a valid emotion. And what happens when we bottle our emotions? Eventually we explode!

In my quest for finding peace and happiness in my life I purposefully focus on the positive. Call me a Pollyanna, but I’m a glass is hall full kind of gal. Which is why I suppose I’ve been hesitant to write about the anger I experienced after Larry died.

Yet, in order to really heal, you must face ALL your emotions, not just the pleasant ones, and this includes anger.

Feeling no emotion, including anger

For a while after Larry died, I was in so much pain and so sad I cried all the time. When I didn’t cry, I was numb. I welcomed the detachment from the sadness as a brief reprieve. In my very early stage of grief there were no emotions to fill the void of sadness and I simply existed in an impassive state. There was no joy, happiness, hope or even anger, I moved about as though I was in a trance when I wasn’t crying.

I listened to others talk about their anger at group therapy and I would think to myself, I’m too sad to be angry.

Anger can be part of the healing process

Little by little, as I began to heal, emotions started to surface. I wrote about laughter a few weeks ago in the post, “It’s OK to Laugh,” and the guilt that accompanied it.

Slowly but surely, the wall I had built during my state of shock after Larry died, to block the intensity of my emotions, started to fall, one brick at a time.

I was naïve to think only the positive emotions would be resurrected. Along with laughter and hope came anger and disappointment.

I was angry each time I had to make a parenting decision without Larry. It wasn’t supposed to be this way! I would think to myself adding fuel the fire burning with anger.

My anger really came to a head about nine months after Larry died. Being married, like most couples, we shared a closet. The first few months after Larry died, I would stand in our closet looking at all his clothes as the tears rolled down my face. Occasionally, I would grab a T-shirt, smell it, hug it, refold it and put it back on a shelf.

For months I had wrestled with the inevitable, one day I will give away his clothes. Each time I had that thought I felt angry. I didn’t want to give away anything that belonged to Larry. But the thought loomed over me each time I got dressed and saw his clothes.

The anger had grown inside me to a point I had no control over it and one morning I walked in our closet and without any thought I started grabbing shirts and pants off their hangars and threw them on the ground. With the swipe of my arm all the T-shirts I had lovingly refolded were swept to the floor. Drawers were opened; underwear, socks, shorts, were all thrown to the floor. The whole time I was yelling and screaming at myself, Larry, his doctors and even God. In that moment I was angry at the whole forsaken world.

Thankfully my children were not home because I can only imagine for anyone watching it may have appeared that I lost my mind.

When I was done throwing all his clothes on the floor, I collapsed with them and then the exhaustion hit! Releasing months of pent up anger pretty much wore me out. As I surveyed the mess I had just made, a sense of peace came over me and I realized it was time. While there is no timetable in grief to let go of items, for me, it was time to pack up Larry’s clothes and give them to goodwill.

With the release of my anger came my ability to make a decision, i.e. Take back some control over my actions. Once my anger was released and I gave myself permission to give away his clothes, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted.

Did my anger go away?

No, I still get bouts of anger, and it’s perfectly OK!

I’m human, I feel an array of emotions and one of them is anger. I’ve learned that the key to anger is not suppressing it, it’s finding a safe avenue to express your anger. Anger is good (you’re alive!), anger is healthy, it’s a valid emotion.

Think about it, if you’re sad, you cry. If you’re happy, you laugh. If you’re anxious, you utilize coping techniques to release the anxiety. Anger is no different than any of these emotions. It needs an outlet as well.

How do I channel my anger?

• Exercise, brisk walk/run

• Clean! I’ve tackled deep cleaning projects that I’ve put off and scrubbed the anger away!

• Journal, some of my deepest fears and helplessness (roots of anger) have been poured into my journals

• Find a support group, whether it’s a grief support group, or you need an anger management group, there are many options.

• Breathe, when we get angry our heart rate and pulse increase, practicing breathing techniques can help our bodies to regulate and give our minds a chance to understand the source of our anger.

Get to know your triggers

With the holidays approaching, anger tends to be at the forefront fighting for attention along-side sadness and disappointment. It can be very difficult watching the whole world celebrate a joyous season when someone you love is not here to celebrate with you.

The first time I had to put up the Christmas tree without Larry, who always strung the lights, I wanted to throw the whole thing in the garbage! Unfortunately, my anger got the best of me and I ended up yelling at my kids when they tried to help. Not my best parenting moment. After some tears and apologies, I started to realize that the holiday season can be a trigger for me.

How I get through the holidays

Knowing that the holidays can be a trigger for me I’ve learned over the years that the best thing I can do for myself is plan, plan and plan. If I leave everything to the last minute, I know I’ll feel overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed, I get angry. Knowing this about myself, I start planning for the holidays as soon as Halloween is over. I plan which weekend I will decorate. I plan the menu and start buying in bulk (I’ve already started) paper goods, drinks and non-perishable items. I start planning social gatherings and outings.  I ask for Christmas lists way in advance (I already have Charlie’s, don’t have to ask that kid twice!).

As much as I plan, I know some things will go wrong. Like the day before Thanksgiving 2012 and the sewer pipes to my guest house backed up. Thank goodness for Roto Rooter! And thank goodness I had already done my grocery shopping because it took about 6 hours to clear and I had to wait at home the whole time! I wasn’t happy about the hefty bill I received but I was grateful it didn’t happen on Thanksgiving because the charge would have been double for a holiday, YIKES!

Knowing your triggers is half the battle, finding a safe avenue to release the anger is the other half.

I pray this holiday season brings peace and joy, but if some anger finds its way, you have the skills to cope.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Caregivers, the Unsung Heroes

Dear Friend,

November is National Family Caregivers month. I would like to take this moment to express a tremendous amount of gratitude to all those who have found themselves in this role at one time or another due to unfortunate circumstances.

Being a caregiver is one of the most loving and self-less acts a person can do. It’s also one of the most heart-wrenching and, at times, exhausting role a person will ever have to endure.

I am torn in writing this post. I want to acknowledge caregivers: give thanks for all they do, sing their praises and classify them as unsung heroes.

However, being in the role of caregiver when Larry was sick, I know I did it without expecting, or even wanting, any recognition at all. And I certainly wouldn’t have thought of myself as an unsung hero.

For me, the real hero was Larry. He was the one who had to endure the poking and prodding, the multiple tests, transfusions and chemotherapy, all the while knowing his fate was out of his hands. If he could endure all that, then certainly I could schedule appointments, deal with the insurance companies, administer antibiotics through his IV and spend as much time as I could with him every day in the hospital.

I didn’t do it because I wanted to have someone pat me on the back and say, “what a good wife you are.” No, I did it because I loved Larry more than ever. I would’ve walked over hot coals if it would have made a difference in his illness. Although I had loved him for many years already, I never really knew what true love meant until I had to watch my husband fight for his life.

I know there are many caregivers who feel the same way. Whether it’s taking care of a sick child, spouse, parent, friend or relative, there is no glory in watching an illness consume a loved one.

So, what does it really mean to be a caregiver?

As a caregiver you may be asked to assume a variety of roles- maid, cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, cheerleader, therapist and nurse- all rolled into one. The sicker a loved one is, the more demanding he or she is of a caregiver’s time and the higher the amount of anxiety and stress is involved.

Larry’s illness advanced quickly, and he died six months after he received his diagnosis. While my time as his caregiver was relatively short, I know there are many of you who have been in this role for years. And honestly, I know it can take its toll.

That’s why it’s so important to give caregivers recognition (even if they don’t want it!) and it’s equally important for caregivers to learn to take care of themselves. With a long-term illness such as cancer or Alzheimer’s it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and if you don’t stop to replenish your strength along the way you won’t be able to care for your loved one.

Below are some tips for caregivers:

• Seek support from a counselor, clergy or trusted friend. You will face many emotions: fear, sadness, anger, etc. that need to be expressed in a safe environment without judgement.

• Carve some quiet time out of your day just for you. After I took the kids to school and made Larry breakfast I would take a walk by myself to pray and help relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

• Ask for (or accept) help. If a friend offers to pick up medications or go to the grocery store for you, by all means say yes!

• Eat a nutrient-rich diet. Elevated stress can lead to a quick depletion of vitamins and minerals.

• If children are involved, set up routine times to spend with them. When Larry was in the hospital I came home by 6:30 p.m. during the week to eat dinner with the boys and help put them to bed. On the weekend, I flipped my schedule and spent the day with the boys and dinner with Larry. (Many thanks to my mother who moved in with me to take care of the boys so I could be with Larry.)

• Go easy on yourself. A setback or recurrence of an illness can feel like a personal defeat. A common thought is always “Could I have done more?” Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. Because you are.

• Laugh! The heartache a caregiver endures is a heavy load to carry. Laughter can be an avenue to lighten the load. Watch a funny movie or go see a comedy show. Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine. And in case you may feel guilty about this, remember from a previous post, “It’s OK to Laugh.”

While I hope no one ends up in the role of caregiver, the reality is that at one point or another in your life you most likely will.

If, and when you do, I pray you’re given the strength to face each day with love and support from other people in your life.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Boost Your Immune System

Hi There,

The outside temps have dropped, and the leaves are falling which means one thing… cold and flu season has officially arrived!

Having children seems to increase the odds of getting sick, since school is the perfect breeding ground of nasty viruses and bacterial infections. While you can teach your kiddos to constantly wash their hands (which does help) you can’t prevent them from catching airborne illnesses like the flu.

So, what’s a parent to do when the environment we live in could very possibly lead to one or more of your children getting sick and very likely needing antibiotics or other medications?

For that matter, what can you do to protect your immune system?

This made me think more about a previous post I wrote, “Living with Stress,” and how many people are living in pain and coping with stress, which we all know can affect the immune system.

How is anyone with a compromised immune system supposed to get through the fall and coming winter without getting sick? Is it even possible?

Yes, it is possible. One of the best tools I’ve used to build up my immune system is to juice.

Juicing

If you just groaned right now, you’re not alone! You may even be thinking, uh oh, here we go, someone else trying to push juicing!

I know how you feel because I’ve been there!

The first time I was introduced to juicing was about twenty-five years ago when I started working at Whole Foods. They had a juice and smoothie bar. I loved the smoothies but was skeptical about the juices.

Everyone’s doing it

Larry was intrigued with juicing, so we bought a juicer, which came with some recipes, and we started to create our own on the weekends. Neither of us knew what the benefits really were and stuck to basic fruits (apples, mostly) and vegetables (carrots, never any greens).

We started juicing during the winter, which is also when we brought our exercise in house. Larry preferred the stationary bike and I preferred the treadmill. At the time we lived in Chicago and there was no way I was going to do anything outdoors in the winter!

After walking on the treadmill for a short while (I got bored easily) I would make myself a juice. I felt pretty good about myself those mornings (even though it really happened only on Saturdays!)

I still didn’t understand the benefits, but I did it because everyone said it was good for you… Have you ever done that?

When spring rolled around, I gladly gave up walking on the treadmill and, as a byproduct, I also gave up on juicing. I didn’t understand the benefits, therefor I didn’t think it was worth the effort.

Let’s try this again

Fast forward to 2013, when I was battling chronic fatigue and inflammation brought on by valley fever, and I started researching various methods to improve my immune system. Of course, juicing came up many times in my research; the only difference was that now I collected concrete reasons related to the benefits of juicing that I hadn’t known before.

My journey with juicing began once again. This time, though, I was more methodical and adventurous about it. I started using ingredients that I had never tried, for example: turmeric, beets, fennel and broccoli stems, which normally I threw away.

Amazingly enough, within days I started to feel the benefits of juicing. My inflammation started to decrease, and I had more energy as the day went on. And, let’s just say, my digestive system started functioning better.

But, as with any issues surrounding our food, there are pros and cons. I’d like to address both here to help you make an informed decision.

Pros of Juicing:

• You can get way more servings of fruits and vegetables into your diet than if you ate them whole.
• More servings of fruit and vegetables mean more vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients into your body.
• The enzymes found in fruit and vegetables are greater in their raw state vs. cooked.
• It helps the body maintain a better pH balance (more on this topic later).
• It removes the fiber, which aides in the digestion process (especially good if you are under a lot of stress which can affect digestion).
• Even the pickiest of eaters tend to find a juice they can enjoy!

Cons of Juicing:

• Many people in the United States already don’t get the recommended daily allowance of fiber. So, if you juice, make sure you’re still getting fiber in other ways.
• It can be time intensive. I’ll share tips to reduce the time it takes to juice in another post.
• Cost (I will address cost of healthy food vs. medical costs in another post).
• There’s not much scientific evidence to support the health claims people experience (Hopefully science will catch up on this). However, there are many reputable wellness centers, such as Hippocrates Health Institute, that incorporate juicing into its daily regimen.

After all that info I’m sure you probably have some questions for me. Hopefully most will be answered below; if not, please feel free to send me an email.

How much do I juice?

I drink a 12 or 16oz glass of juice that I make at home or buy (from a reputable juice bar, not pre-packaged juices, which tend to have added sugar) whenever I feel run down or want to boost my immune system. I will juice a batch that equals 2-3 glasses and store in the refrigerator.

Does it really make a difference?

As soon as I begin to develop a scratchy throat and a cough, an indicator for me that my immune system is being compromised, I will juice consistently. Within a day or two most cold symptoms have disappeared.

What do I juice?

Green juices, with romaine, spinach, celery, green apples, lemon, ginger, etc. are my favorite, followed by beet juice. My kids love carrot juice; be sure to check out the recipe this week, my boys helped me create a juice that’s very kid friendly and packed with vitamins to help your immune system!

What’s the best juicer?

I use an Omega juicer. It’s a little pricey, so before I made this purchase, I waited to make sure I was committed. Also, l recommend if you’re in the market to buy a juicer you look for coupons and keep checking for sales. Fortunately, I had a coupon for 20% off when I bought mine.

Since everyone has different needs (price, ease of clean up, etc.) I’d rather provide you with a link that compares juicers with some good reviews. You can compare juicers here: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/appliances/juicer-reviews/g598/best-juicers/

Juicing can be a family affair

One of the best residual benefits I’ve had from juicing is the interest my kids have with it. Charlie and George have both helped put the fruit and vegetables into the juicer and each time I make a juice all the boys want a sip. Sometimes the sip turns into half the glass! But I certainly don’t mind.

I feel like our children are facing some sad statistics for health-related diseases that aren’t in their favor.

My mission is to educate my kids- and as many people as I can- so they can arm themselves and build up their immune systems, even if mom’s not hanging out with them.

And, let’s face it: it’s tough for our kids to make good choices when they’re inundated with so much junk food and sugary drinks on a daily basis, even at school! Sometimes all we can do is inform them, give them the tools and hope they make the best decision.

I’ll be honest, my own kids have a hard time making good choices when faced with processed foods that taste really good (and I do too!), these food companies know what they’re doing, hello yummy potato chips, Reese’s peanut butter cups, oh boy! But, too much processed/sugary foods can really bring your immune system down and leave you open to catching the latest virus going around.  

With Halloween tomorrow, it’s going to be even tougher. Which is why this is the perfect time to get some juicing in.

I pray you make it through the fall and winter in good health!

Many Blessings,

Pam