Anger

Hi There,

I’m so angry I could scream!

Have you ever felt intense anger, that you could relate?

I’ve written about an array of emotions but the one I’ve left out is anger. Maybe it’s because I don’t see myself as an angry person. Maybe, it’s because anger has such a negative stigma attached to it. Or, maybe I just don’t want to admit I’m prone to bouts of anger.

Where does anger come from?

The root of most anger is fear, pain and frustration, and who readily admits they feel any of these? Yet, we feel ALL these things when we are facing a life challenge. Feeling helpless and powerless is another cause of anger. Anyone who has experienced some form of grief has at one time or another felt as though matters were beyond their control, i.e. Powerless.  

Why do we hide our anger?

Many of our behaviors are learned from childhood. Many of us (and I’m guilty of doing this as a parent) have at one point or another during our childhood been told, “there’s no reason to be angry.” Although expressed with good intention to diffuse a situation, the message this sends is that anger is not a valid emotion. And what happens when we bottle our emotions? Eventually we explode!

In my quest for finding peace and happiness in my life I purposefully focus on the positive. Call me a Pollyanna, but I’m a glass is hall full kind of gal. Which is why I suppose I’ve been hesitant to write about the anger I experienced after Larry died.

Yet, in order to really heal, you must face ALL your emotions, not just the pleasant ones, and this includes anger.

Feeling no emotion, including anger

For a while after Larry died, I was in so much pain and so sad I cried all the time. When I didn’t cry, I was numb. I welcomed the detachment from the sadness as a brief reprieve. In my very early stage of grief there were no emotions to fill the void of sadness and I simply existed in an impassive state. There was no joy, happiness, hope or even anger, I moved about as though I was in a trance when I wasn’t crying.

I listened to others talk about their anger at group therapy and I would think to myself, I’m too sad to be angry.

Anger can be part of the healing process

Little by little, as I began to heal, emotions started to surface. I wrote about laughter a few weeks ago in the post, “It’s OK to Laugh,” and the guilt that accompanied it.

Slowly but surely, the wall I had built during my state of shock after Larry died, to block the intensity of my emotions, started to fall, one brick at a time.

I was naïve to think only the positive emotions would be resurrected. Along with laughter and hope came anger and disappointment.

I was angry each time I had to make a parenting decision without Larry. It wasn’t supposed to be this way! I would think to myself adding fuel the fire burning with anger.

My anger really came to a head about nine months after Larry died. Being married, like most couples, we shared a closet. The first few months after Larry died, I would stand in our closet looking at all his clothes as the tears rolled down my face. Occasionally, I would grab a T-shirt, smell it, hug it, refold it and put it back on a shelf.

For months I had wrestled with the inevitable, one day I will give away his clothes. Each time I had that thought I felt angry. I didn’t want to give away anything that belonged to Larry. But the thought loomed over me each time I got dressed and saw his clothes.

The anger had grown inside me to a point I had no control over it and one morning I walked in our closet and without any thought I started grabbing shirts and pants off their hangars and threw them on the ground. With the swipe of my arm all the T-shirts I had lovingly refolded were swept to the floor. Drawers were opened; underwear, socks, shorts, were all thrown to the floor. The whole time I was yelling and screaming at myself, Larry, his doctors and even God. In that moment I was angry at the whole forsaken world.

Thankfully my children were not home because I can only imagine for anyone watching it may have appeared that I lost my mind.

When I was done throwing all his clothes on the floor, I collapsed with them and then the exhaustion hit! Releasing months of pent up anger pretty much wore me out. As I surveyed the mess I had just made, a sense of peace came over me and I realized it was time. While there is no timetable in grief to let go of items, for me, it was time to pack up Larry’s clothes and give them to goodwill.

With the release of my anger came my ability to make a decision, i.e. Take back some control over my actions. Once my anger was released and I gave myself permission to give away his clothes, it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted.

Did my anger go away?

No, I still get bouts of anger, and it’s perfectly OK!

I’m human, I feel an array of emotions and one of them is anger. I’ve learned that the key to anger is not suppressing it, it’s finding a safe avenue to express your anger. Anger is good (you’re alive!), anger is healthy, it’s a valid emotion.

Think about it, if you’re sad, you cry. If you’re happy, you laugh. If you’re anxious, you utilize coping techniques to release the anxiety. Anger is no different than any of these emotions. It needs an outlet as well.

How do I channel my anger?

• Exercise, brisk walk/run

• Clean! I’ve tackled deep cleaning projects that I’ve put off and scrubbed the anger away!

• Journal, some of my deepest fears and helplessness (roots of anger) have been poured into my journals

• Find a support group, whether it’s a grief support group, or you need an anger management group, there are many options.

• Breathe, when we get angry our heart rate and pulse increase, practicing breathing techniques can help our bodies to regulate and give our minds a chance to understand the source of our anger.

Get to know your triggers

With the holidays approaching, anger tends to be at the forefront fighting for attention along-side sadness and disappointment. It can be very difficult watching the whole world celebrate a joyous season when someone you love is not here to celebrate with you.

The first time I had to put up the Christmas tree without Larry, who always strung the lights, I wanted to throw the whole thing in the garbage! Unfortunately, my anger got the best of me and I ended up yelling at my kids when they tried to help. Not my best parenting moment. After some tears and apologies, I started to realize that the holiday season can be a trigger for me.

How I get through the holidays

Knowing that the holidays can be a trigger for me I’ve learned over the years that the best thing I can do for myself is plan, plan and plan. If I leave everything to the last minute, I know I’ll feel overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed, I get angry. Knowing this about myself, I start planning for the holidays as soon as Halloween is over. I plan which weekend I will decorate. I plan the menu and start buying in bulk (I’ve already started) paper goods, drinks and non-perishable items. I start planning social gatherings and outings.  I ask for Christmas lists way in advance (I already have Charlie’s, don’t have to ask that kid twice!).

As much as I plan, I know some things will go wrong. Like the day before Thanksgiving 2012 and the sewer pipes to my guest house backed up. Thank goodness for Roto Rooter! And thank goodness I had already done my grocery shopping because it took about 6 hours to clear and I had to wait at home the whole time! I wasn’t happy about the hefty bill I received but I was grateful it didn’t happen on Thanksgiving because the charge would have been double for a holiday, YIKES!

Knowing your triggers is half the battle, finding a safe avenue to release the anger is the other half.

I pray this holiday season brings peace and joy, but if some anger finds its way, you have the skills to cope.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Caregivers, the Unsung Heroes

Dear Friend,

November is National Family Caregivers month. I would like to take this moment to express a tremendous amount of gratitude to all those who have found themselves in this role at one time or another due to unfortunate circumstances.

Being a caregiver is one of the most loving and self-less acts a person can do. It’s also one of the most heart-wrenching and, at times, exhausting role a person will ever have to endure.

I am torn in writing this post. I want to acknowledge caregivers: give thanks for all they do, sing their praises and classify them as unsung heroes.

However, being in the role of caregiver when Larry was sick, I know I did it without expecting, or even wanting, any recognition at all. And I certainly wouldn’t have thought of myself as an unsung hero.

For me, the real hero was Larry. He was the one who had to endure the poking and prodding, the multiple tests, transfusions and chemotherapy, all the while knowing his fate was out of his hands. If he could endure all that, then certainly I could schedule appointments, deal with the insurance companies, administer antibiotics through his IV and spend as much time as I could with him every day in the hospital.

I didn’t do it because I wanted to have someone pat me on the back and say, “what a good wife you are.” No, I did it because I loved Larry more than ever. I would’ve walked over hot coals if it would have made a difference in his illness. Although I had loved him for many years already, I never really knew what true love meant until I had to watch my husband fight for his life.

I know there are many caregivers who feel the same way. Whether it’s taking care of a sick child, spouse, parent, friend or relative, there is no glory in watching an illness consume a loved one.

So, what does it really mean to be a caregiver?

As a caregiver you may be asked to assume a variety of roles- maid, cook, chauffeur, personal assistant, cheerleader, therapist and nurse- all rolled into one. The sicker a loved one is, the more demanding he or she is of a caregiver’s time and the higher the amount of anxiety and stress is involved.

Larry’s illness advanced quickly, and he died six months after he received his diagnosis. While my time as his caregiver was relatively short, I know there are many of you who have been in this role for years. And honestly, I know it can take its toll.

That’s why it’s so important to give caregivers recognition (even if they don’t want it!) and it’s equally important for caregivers to learn to take care of themselves. With a long-term illness such as cancer or Alzheimer’s it’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon, and if you don’t stop to replenish your strength along the way you won’t be able to care for your loved one.

Below are some tips for caregivers:

• Seek support from a counselor, clergy or trusted friend. You will face many emotions: fear, sadness, anger, etc. that need to be expressed in a safe environment without judgement.

• Carve some quiet time out of your day just for you. After I took the kids to school and made Larry breakfast I would take a walk by myself to pray and help relieve the anxiety I was feeling.

• Ask for (or accept) help. If a friend offers to pick up medications or go to the grocery store for you, by all means say yes!

• Eat a nutrient-rich diet. Elevated stress can lead to a quick depletion of vitamins and minerals.

• If children are involved, set up routine times to spend with them. When Larry was in the hospital I came home by 6:30 p.m. during the week to eat dinner with the boys and help put them to bed. On the weekend, I flipped my schedule and spent the day with the boys and dinner with Larry. (Many thanks to my mother who moved in with me to take care of the boys so I could be with Larry.)

• Go easy on yourself. A setback or recurrence of an illness can feel like a personal defeat. A common thought is always “Could I have done more?” Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can. Because you are.

• Laugh! The heartache a caregiver endures is a heavy load to carry. Laughter can be an avenue to lighten the load. Watch a funny movie or go see a comedy show. Sometimes laughter really is the best medicine. And in case you may feel guilty about this, remember from a previous post, “It’s OK to Laugh.”

While I hope no one ends up in the role of caregiver, the reality is that at one point or another in your life you most likely will.

If, and when you do, I pray you’re given the strength to face each day with love and support from other people in your life.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Boost Your Immune System

Hi There,

The outside temps have dropped, and the leaves are falling which means one thing… cold and flu season has officially arrived!

Having children seems to increase the odds of getting sick, since school is the perfect breeding ground of nasty viruses and bacterial infections. While you can teach your kiddos to constantly wash their hands (which does help) you can’t prevent them from catching airborne illnesses like the flu.

So, what’s a parent to do when the environment we live in could very possibly lead to one or more of your children getting sick and very likely needing antibiotics or other medications?

For that matter, what can you do to protect your immune system?

This made me think more about a previous post I wrote, “Living with Stress,” and how many people are living in pain and coping with stress, which we all know can affect the immune system.

How is anyone with a compromised immune system supposed to get through the fall and coming winter without getting sick? Is it even possible?

Yes, it is possible. One of the best tools I’ve used to build up my immune system is to juice.

Juicing

If you just groaned right now, you’re not alone! You may even be thinking, uh oh, here we go, someone else trying to push juicing!

I know how you feel because I’ve been there!

The first time I was introduced to juicing was about twenty-five years ago when I started working at Whole Foods. They had a juice and smoothie bar. I loved the smoothies but was skeptical about the juices.

Everyone’s doing it

Larry was intrigued with juicing, so we bought a juicer, which came with some recipes, and we started to create our own on the weekends. Neither of us knew what the benefits really were and stuck to basic fruits (apples, mostly) and vegetables (carrots, never any greens).

We started juicing during the winter, which is also when we brought our exercise in house. Larry preferred the stationary bike and I preferred the treadmill. At the time we lived in Chicago and there was no way I was going to do anything outdoors in the winter!

After walking on the treadmill for a short while (I got bored easily) I would make myself a juice. I felt pretty good about myself those mornings (even though it really happened only on Saturdays!)

I still didn’t understand the benefits, but I did it because everyone said it was good for you… Have you ever done that?

When spring rolled around, I gladly gave up walking on the treadmill and, as a byproduct, I also gave up on juicing. I didn’t understand the benefits, therefor I didn’t think it was worth the effort.

Let’s try this again

Fast forward to 2013, when I was battling chronic fatigue and inflammation brought on by valley fever, and I started researching various methods to improve my immune system. Of course, juicing came up many times in my research; the only difference was that now I collected concrete reasons related to the benefits of juicing that I hadn’t known before.

My journey with juicing began once again. This time, though, I was more methodical and adventurous about it. I started using ingredients that I had never tried, for example: turmeric, beets, fennel and broccoli stems, which normally I threw away.

Amazingly enough, within days I started to feel the benefits of juicing. My inflammation started to decrease, and I had more energy as the day went on. And, let’s just say, my digestive system started functioning better.

But, as with any issues surrounding our food, there are pros and cons. I’d like to address both here to help you make an informed decision.

Pros of Juicing:

• You can get way more servings of fruits and vegetables into your diet than if you ate them whole.
• More servings of fruit and vegetables mean more vitamins, minerals and phytonutrients into your body.
• The enzymes found in fruit and vegetables are greater in their raw state vs. cooked.
• It helps the body maintain a better pH balance (more on this topic later).
• It removes the fiber, which aides in the digestion process (especially good if you are under a lot of stress which can affect digestion).
• Even the pickiest of eaters tend to find a juice they can enjoy!

Cons of Juicing:

• Many people in the United States already don’t get the recommended daily allowance of fiber. So, if you juice, make sure you’re still getting fiber in other ways.
• It can be time intensive. I’ll share tips to reduce the time it takes to juice in another post.
• Cost (I will address cost of healthy food vs. medical costs in another post).
• There’s not much scientific evidence to support the health claims people experience (Hopefully science will catch up on this). However, there are many reputable wellness centers, such as Hippocrates Health Institute, that incorporate juicing into its daily regimen.

After all that info I’m sure you probably have some questions for me. Hopefully most will be answered below; if not, please feel free to send me an email.

How much do I juice?

I drink a 12 or 16oz glass of juice that I make at home or buy (from a reputable juice bar, not pre-packaged juices, which tend to have added sugar) whenever I feel run down or want to boost my immune system. I will juice a batch that equals 2-3 glasses and store in the refrigerator.

Does it really make a difference?

As soon as I begin to develop a scratchy throat and a cough, an indicator for me that my immune system is being compromised, I will juice consistently. Within a day or two most cold symptoms have disappeared.

What do I juice?

Green juices, with romaine, spinach, celery, green apples, lemon, ginger, etc. are my favorite, followed by beet juice. My kids love carrot juice; be sure to check out the recipe this week, my boys helped me create a juice that’s very kid friendly and packed with vitamins to help your immune system!

What’s the best juicer?

I use an Omega juicer. It’s a little pricey, so before I made this purchase, I waited to make sure I was committed. Also, l recommend if you’re in the market to buy a juicer you look for coupons and keep checking for sales. Fortunately, I had a coupon for 20% off when I bought mine.

Since everyone has different needs (price, ease of clean up, etc.) I’d rather provide you with a link that compares juicers with some good reviews. You can compare juicers here: https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/appliances/juicer-reviews/g598/best-juicers/

Juicing can be a family affair

One of the best residual benefits I’ve had from juicing is the interest my kids have with it. Charlie and George have both helped put the fruit and vegetables into the juicer and each time I make a juice all the boys want a sip. Sometimes the sip turns into half the glass! But I certainly don’t mind.

I feel like our children are facing some sad statistics for health-related diseases that aren’t in their favor.

My mission is to educate my kids- and as many people as I can- so they can arm themselves and build up their immune systems, even if mom’s not hanging out with them.

And, let’s face it: it’s tough for our kids to make good choices when they’re inundated with so much junk food and sugary drinks on a daily basis, even at school! Sometimes all we can do is inform them, give them the tools and hope they make the best decision.

I’ll be honest, my own kids have a hard time making good choices when faced with processed foods that taste really good (and I do too!), these food companies know what they’re doing, hello yummy potato chips, Reese’s peanut butter cups, oh boy! But, too much processed/sugary foods can really bring your immune system down and leave you open to catching the latest virus going around.  

With Halloween tomorrow, it’s going to be even tougher. Which is why this is the perfect time to get some juicing in.

I pray you make it through the fall and winter in good health!

Many Blessings,

Pam

It’s OK to Laugh

Hi There,

Grieving is unique to the individual

If there’s one thing I’ve learned with respect to grief, it’s there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Processing and healing from grief is unique to each person as much as our DNA is unique to each of us. While we may have similar experiences and questions, our reactions and paths are our own.

In last week’s post, “Yes, It Really Happened”, I mentioned a few common questions I heard during the grieving process. “Will I ever laugh again?” is one of the most prominent questions asked by anyone who is suffering from a great loss. I certainly had that thought after my husband, Larry, passed away.

Why should I be able to laugh and enjoy life if he couldn’t?

I don’t know why but it felt wrong, awkward, for me to be laugh because, in reality, there was nothing for me to laugh at.

It was only a month or so after Larry died that I was at a school function with my children. I was talking with a group of moms, about what I don’t remember, most likely swapping stories about our kids, which of course can be great material for laughter. While I can’t recall the conversation, I clearly remember someone said something funny and intuitively I laughed.

As soon as the sound of laughter escaped my lips I gasped and closed my mouth and wanted to cry. Instead I turned from the group and walked away.

I felt embarrassed, mortified and very guilty that my husband had recently passed away and here I was laughing. I worried people would think I didn’t miss him. I felt guilty that I could still laugh, and he couldn’t. What is wrong with me? I wondered all the way home and for days to come. It really bothered me and made me question how I was processing my grief.

Of course, I was being WAY too hard on myself. I had never experienced such profound grief and at this stage of grief I didn’t know what was acceptable and what wasn’t. At the time little did I know, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people cry, some laugh, some yell, and most… do a little bit of it all.

Gotta love an Irish wake

Now, being of Irish descent I’ve attended many funerals of loved ones and learned from an early age what an Irish wake is. My grandmother, who was 100% Irish, never seemed to care what people thought when she laughed, drank and told stories about the recently deceased. And while we all shed many tears when she died, we followed in her footsteps during the luncheon that followed and did the same.

So why did I feel so guilty laughing?

Part of the grief process for me has been reconciling two conflicting halves of my brain: the emotional half that doesn’t want to let go and move forward and the rational half that knows in order to heal I must take steps to move forward.

The first time I really laughed out loud the emotional half of my brain shut down every logical reason the rational half was trying to convey and guilt set in.

Worst of all I felt I had betrayed Larry.

Seeing others laugh gave me hope

A short while later, I attended my first group meeting at New Song, the Center for Grieving Children. It was right before Christmas and after introductions were made each member shared their plans for the holiday. I was very fragile having to face my first holiday without Larry and quite frankly I wished we could just skip the holidays that year.

While I sat there wishing away the holidays, a woman who had been going to New Song for over a year, shared that she and her children were going to go to Disneyland over the holiday break and she was smiling and joking that her husband would be with them in Spirit.

What? Wait a minute… She’s taking her kids to Disneyland? That’s allowed?  And… she’s laughing about her husband?

Instead of any negative judgement of betrayal that I had placed on myself the first time I laugh out loud, I felt complete awe and admiration.

Here was another person who lost their spouse and in an amazing and incredible manner, she found a way to laugh and enjoy her new life and include her spouse, even if it is only in thought.

It gave me hope.

This time the rational half of my brain took over. Of course, Larry would want you to enjoy your life and laugh once more. No, he doesn’t think you are betraying him.

Attending the group session at New Song gave me (and the emotional half of my brain) the permission I needed to laugh and not feel guilty. And I believe with all my heart Larry would want me and the boys to laugh.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Laughter, we’ve all heard, is the best medicine. While the saying has been around for a while, today research has proven laughter has positive effects on the body. According to Psychology Today and Mayo Clinic, the following are physical effects brought on from laughter:

Short-term benefits

• Helps your blood vessels function better
• Increase feel-good endorphins released by the brain
• Reduce stress
• Soothe tension, stimulate circulation and aid muscle relaxation

Long-term benefits

• Improve your immune system
• Relieve pain
• Increase personal satisfaction
• Improve your mood

It’s OK to Laugh

As I look back on the very early stages of my grief, I realize I should’ve been much kinder to myself. Mostly, I’m grateful for all the people who have crossed my path and brought laughter into my life.

I’m especially grateful to my dogs, Star and Cruiser, who brought so much love, joy and laughter into our home. In my experience babies and dogs (and other pets) bring the greatest joy and so many funny antics, one can’t help but laugh. Since I’m done having babies, I’m relying on my dogs and their quirky looks to give me my daily laugh!

I pray you find a path for joy and laughter to be a part of your life.

Many Blessings,

Pam

P.S. The picture above is Larry making Charlie laugh. He would do anything to make the boys laugh!

Yes, It Really Happened

Dear Friend,

You are not mistaken, today is Tuesday, not Wednesday, the day I normally send out the weekly newsletter. I am sending it today, October 15, 2019, because this is the anniversary of Larry’s death.

Since Larry passed away nine years ago, there have been subsequent deaths of loved ones and acquaintances. In offering my condolences I am often faced by the bereaved family member with some questions. The questions below are common and the same questions I had when Larry died.

“The pain is unbearable will it ever go away?”

“Will I ever stop crying?”

“Will there be any joy in my life?”

“Will I ever laugh again?”

Yet, the most common feeling I hear from each person is, “I can’t believe this happened.”

My response has been to offer comfort and reassurance that as you grieve and cry some of the pain goes with the grief and tears. Each person will follow their own path in grief, but you will find joy and you will laugh again one day. There is no timetable to follow, there is no specific path, we all have our own journey.

And, yes, when Larry died, I too felt at one point or another sucker punched in the gut and thought, “I can’t believe this happened.”

It is these conversations that keep me wanting to share my story, to help others know…

Yes, it really happened. But you are NOT alone.

 So, even though I have shared this post in the past, to honor Larry on the anniversary of his death I will share it again. And I will continue to share it for years to come because no matter how many years pass…

 I still can’t believe it really happened.

“God has mercifully ordered that the human brain works slowly; first the blow, hours afterwards the bruise.” ― Walter de la Mare

It was a Wednesday when I had to face the reality that my husband would not live much longer. The ventilator was breathing for him and it was only a matter of time, his doctors told me. I could not comprehend at that moment the full impact of Larry not being with me every day for the rest of my life.

I knew I wanted to savor every last second we had together and I pushed away as much as I could any thoughts of him dying. I talked to him, I caressed his arm, and I slept in a chair next to his bed with his hand in mine the whole night. I couldn’t let go, not yet, it was too soon. We have three young boys, we have so many plans for our future together. I sat in the chair, with the lights out, all I could think was; this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.  

Larry died two days later due to complications that arose from Acute Myeloid Leukemia. A day that is forever engraved on my soul, October 15, 2010, a Friday. A day when most people are celebrating the end of the work week and making plans for the weekend, I had to make plans for my husbands’ funeral. I stared out the window the whole way home from the hospital and all I could think was; this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

We flew to Chicago for the wake and funeral since the majority of family and friends were there. Chicago was our home before we moved to Arizona. Chicago is where Larry and I met, fell in love, and created a family. It only felt right I bring him home. But even as I drove through familiar streets, greeted family and friends over the course of a week, all I could think was; this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

The whole week felt as though the real me had been abducted and an imposter, one who could go through the motions and think about mundane things like “I wish I had time to color my hair before I left Arizona,” was sent in my place. Physically it was me in that body accepting well wishes and condolences, but emotionally I had shut down. I kept waiting for the moment where I would break down or faint at some point during the week, but I didn’t. I listened as people commented on how strong I was, how I had to be there for the kids. What is wrong with me, I thought more than once, why do I feel so numb?   

I didn’t know then that my body had mercifully kept going while my mind went on autopilot.

After a week the kids and I flew back to Arizona. On the drive from the airport to our house I found myself staring out the car window once more, with the same thought, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

The next morning, utterly exhausted, I had to go through the motions of getting my children ready for school. We all sat at the kitchen table that morning, speechless, picking at our food, and wishing we didn’t have to face the day ahead, none of us were ready to face reality, face a life without Larry. The boys didn’t want to go to school, but I told them they had to. I drove them to school, walked each one to their classroom and gave each one a hug and said “I love you,” before I turned and walked away, my heart breaking for my children.

Walking through the door once I got home I was not greeted by Larry, who worked from home and would usually be in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee. I did not see the smile on his face as I used to when he would turn and ask me, “Everyone get off ok?” Instead I was greeted by pain, fear and a deafening silence. Eleven days had passed since Larry died. Eleven days of being in the company of others, eleven days of keeping my mind busy with tasks, eleven days I was able to keep reality at bay. But no longer, today was the moment it hit me- Yes, it happened, Yes, Larry is gone. I am alone, completely and utterly all alone. God help me.

This new reality hit me like a tidal wave causing my knees to buckle and my body to crumble to the floor. It felt as though someone had kicked me in the stomach and I couldn’t catch my breath. Every facet of my existence was in pain. Physically my whole body ached, emotionally I felt confused and abandoned, and spiritually I felt as though I was surrounded by darkness. For a brief moment I honestly didn’t care if I lived or died, I wanted this unbearable pain to go away.

Shock is the body’s mechanism of coping with the unbearable. Shock from Larry’s death kept me going those first eleven days. If I had tried to absorb the pain all at once, I may never have stood up again. But there comes a moment when the shock slides away and we have to face reality. That is when grief sets in and day by day we begin to understand our lives will never be the same.

I share this first morning home alone without Larry with you for a couple of reasons. In order to understand how far I have come, you have to understand how far I fell. Also, I suspect if you have suffered a great loss you, too, have had a similar fall from grace that left you paralyzed and unsure how to move forward.

Although your life may never be the same, you still have a life. You can still live it to the best of your abilities.

No matter if it’s recent or years have passed, you’re not alone. I am here to hold your hand, walk by your side and let you know, that one day, you will be ok. No matter at what point of grief you are, keep taking one step at a time.

One day you will laugh and it won’t be accompanied by a twinge of guilt. One day the sun will be so bright and filled with hope for your future you’ll need to shield your eyes. One day, your heart will not ache as painfully as it did the day your loved one left this existence. It all starts with one step, take that step today.

It’s been nine years since Larry passed away. Some days it feels like yesterday, others it feels like forever. I’ve done my best to create a life for me and my children that is filled with love and joy. Larry would expect nothing less of me.

I pray you too will find a way.

Peace be with you in every step, Many Blessings,

Pam

Stress

Is it me, or does it seem like EVERYONE is stressed?

I used to think I handled stress well. That was before Larry died, before my whole world got turned upside down and left me feeling as though my WHOLE life was one big stressor.

For the longest time it felt as though I was the only one stressed. I kept telling myself as I healed my levels of stress would decrease. Ha! Little did I know how stressful raising teenagers and being a sole proprietor could be.

Then I heard from friends and family members who shared their life challenges and the stress they live with daily.

Unfortunately, adults are not the only ones living with higher levels of stress. Even our children are experiencing more stress at a younger age.

Stress can come in many forms: physical (injury), chemical (toxins), mental (worry), emotional (grief), nutritional (poor diet), traumatic (surgery) and psycho-spiritual (financial instability). With all the various forms of stress in the world there really is no escaping it.

How can one eliminate stress?

Stress is subjective. One teen may come home crying that school is sooo stressful, while another teen will boast about loving school. We all have individual triggers of stress and different levels of tolerance of stress. What this means is that basically, there is no one size fits all remedy when it comes to coping with stress.

Realistically, we can’t eliminate stress, especially when stress is related to circumstances beyond our control.

Does that mean we should throw our hands up and pray for the best? Absolutely not! There are many coping mechanisms out there to help live with stress. So instead of asking how to avoid ALL stressful situations, the real questions are: what is stress and what does it do to the body? When is it good? When is it bad? And, what can we do to manage (i.e. live with) stress?

So what is stress?

Stress is the body’s natural defense mechanism against a threat, either real or perceived.

A real threat may arise when you’re crossing the street and notice a car is speeding toward you. An appropriate response would be to run for your life to avoid getting hit. You may notice your heart beating faster and you experience shortness of breath until you get to safety. After a short while your body will return to the state it was in before the car came speeding at you.

This is also known as the “flight or fight” response. According to Walter Cannon, a physiologist, neurologist and Harvard researcher, when there is threat, either perceived or real, the body will involuntarily prepare itself to flee (that is, to remove itself from conflict) or fight (protect itself or those around it). Cannon himself coined the term “flight or fight” after much research in the early 1900’s.

Now let’s discuss a threat that’s perceived. You may be working for a company that’s experiencing financial difficulties and continually lays off employees. You go to work each day in fear of being told that you, too, will be laid off. Your body experiences the same symptoms mentioned above; increased heart rate, shortness of breath and atypical sweating.

The difference between this perceived threat and the real threat is that under a perceived threat the body doesn’t always return to the state it was before the threat arose. Hence you start to live in a state of chronic stress.

This is exactly what I faced when Larry was first diagnosed with his illness and it continued way past his death.

So what does happen to your body when it’s under stress?

When stress occurs the brain and pituitary gland respond by releasing adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). This hormone stimulates the adrenals to increase production of the hormones epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. The main adrenal hormones, epinephrine and norepinephrine, are the main stimuli to the stress response. This is what happens to the body when these hormones are released:

• Heart rate increases
• Blood pressure increases
• Body temperature may become irregular
• Certain blood vessels constrict to increase blood flow to muscles and brain (ever heard of superhuman strength during a time of crisis?)
• Blood flow to the digestive tract decreases (are you constipated or having difficulty losing weight?)
• Adrenaline raises blood sugar and stimulates the liver to produce and release more glucose into the blood. This is very important for everyone to understand but especially for those diagnosed with diabetes.

As I mentioned above, living with chronic stress does not allow the body to return to its normal homeostasis state (the state you were in before you lived with chronic stress).

Does all that information make you feel more stressed? Yikes!

But remember there is good stress and bad stress. What’s the difference?

I see this information as a good stressor. Knowledge is power and the more you understand internal and external factors that affect your level of stress the better you’ll get at taking time to actively manage stress in your daily life.

On the flip side, chronic stress is certainly not good for your body. Living in a chronic state of stress lowered my immune system, left me susceptible to many illnesses: valley fever, sinusitis, shingles, to name a few.

So, what can you do to manage stress?

Psychologist Richard Lazarus believes it’s not stress that’s the problem, but your ability to handle stress that determines what it will do to your body. Here are some of the many stress management techniques you can put into practice:

• Exercise: start slowly if you’re beginning a new routine and be careful not to physically tax your body. Walking is an excellent way to get back into exercising.
• Eat a nutrient rich diet
• Go to counseling
• Reach out to friends and family for support
• Try your hand at journaling
• Incorporate meditation and/or prayer into your day
• Take a bath with Epsom salt
• Try homeopathic remedies
• Follow a routine
• Remember: be gentle on yourself and the time you need to heal!

Some of these I have covered previously, others I will be covering more in future blog posts.

Try and try again…

I mentioned above that there is no one size fits all remedy when it comes to coping with stress. The only advice I can give is to try one, a few, or all the coping techniques mentioned above. No matter what, please keep trying and know…

Most importantly, you are NOT alone!

I still have stress in my life. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever not have stress in my life. But I am committed to practicing various stress reducing techniques daily. Some days I must incorporate quite a few stress reducing techniques! That’s ok, I’m grateful for the ability to recognize when my stress levels are increasing and I’m grateful I have the tools to help me cope.

I pray you’ll find a way to incorporate stress reducing techniques into your life.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Have Faith

Hi There,

“Have faith.” How many times have you heard that simple, yet powerful phrase? What does “have faith” really mean?

Have Faith: is it real or just another social media post?

Like many people, I first learned about faith from the church my family attended. Since the beginning of time, faith has been at the center of almost all religions.

Since I was a child I was told on numerous occasions, “have faith, God will lead you in the right direction.”

For the most part, I really believed this. Especially when I had to make a decision that would have an impact on my life.

And when things go your way, you tend to believe having faith is all you need.

Just look at all the social media posts regarding faith.

“Faith can move Mountains”

“Let your faith be bigger than your fear”

Many of these posts are inspirational and reinforce having faith. Yet, many times in my life I’ve wondered…

How do you keep faith when life isn’t going as planned?

Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t experienced disappointment, heartache or grief in their lifetime. Even children face downturns in life.

• Not making a team or being asked to join a group
• Receiving a bad grade after studying so hard
• Not getting the job or promotion you wanted
• Losing friends, family, pets

The amount of losses one experiences over a lifetime can really add up. So, again, I wonder…

How do you keep Faith during life challenges?

Before I can explore that question, I’d like to ask a different one: What does faith mean to you?

For me, Faith is the belief in a positive outcome without any tangible proof.

When my husband Larry died and I was left alone to raise three boys, I’ll admit, there were many instances where fear and pain was all I could see. In those moments I found it really difficult to have faith.

I worried about what kind of future my boys would have without a father.

I worried about what kind of life I would have without Larry by my side.

I felt very alone, like I was existing but not living. There was no joy in my life, only sadness when I thought about the future.

Surrounded by so much darkness, there were many times I wondered: “Could something as small as a five-letter word, faith, really have that much of an impact?”

Not long after Larry died, in the privacy and solitude of my home, I questioned everything, including my faith.

Could I really rely on faith to get me through such a horrific time?

In searching for the answer, I revisited my past and the other times I relied on faith to help me through.

Be an active participant in where Faith takes you

As I evaluate my life, I realize I’ve always had faith. Yet, the times I was successful is when I used my faith to give me courage to take the first step.

When Larry died and I was left with paralyzing fear that my kids and I may not heal, I turned to faith. Faith gave me the ability to believe my kids and I could heal, but it was up to me to get us the tools we needed to heal.

I chose to have faith that each step I took was with the belief it would yield a positive outcome.

I chose to have faith in myself that if the step didn’t yield a positive outcome, then I could take another step in a different direction.

The more steps I took, the more I relied on faith to give me strength to take another… and another.

It turned out when I questioned my faith the most was when I realized how much I really needed it.

Throughout my whole life, faith has been the catalyst I needed to make a move.

Faith doesn’t guarantee a positive outcome

Once you take a step, don’t give up on faith, regardless of the outcome. Take ownership of the choices you made. If it turned out to be the wrong choice, well, have faith once more that you can do something about it.

Sometimes you must dig deep to find Faith

It was in my darkest hour that faith brought me a light, a glimpse of what could be. But what faith didn’t give me was a road map, I had to figure that out on my own. What I’ve learned over the years is that the two go hand-in-hand.

The more faith I have, the more I’m willing to take a step and vice versa.

So while I understand how easily the phrase “have faith” gets thrown around these days, I want you to know that I really do have faith.

I have faith the boys and I will continue to heal and find happiness.

I have faith that you will too.

I wish you and your family much love, happiness and faith as you face each day.

Many Blessings,

Pam