The Power of Positive Thinking

Hello,

After last week’s mishap with my website, I’ve been practicing a lot of positive self-talk. Staying positive, especially amid unfortunate events, isn’t easy. Like all the other wellness tools I’ve mentioned before, focusing on positive thinking is essential for my continued healing.

It’s my belief that the energy around us has a big impact on our thoughts, hopes and dreams.

Have you ever walked in a room and immediately felt the excitement literally bubbling out of various people in the room, whether they were laughing or sharing a funny story? Or just the opposite: have you ever walked into a room and wanted to just turn and run because the tension you felt was so thick you could cut it with a knife?

I know I’ve certainly experienced both and, quite frankly, I would much rather be in an atmosphere that’s happy and filled with joy. I don’t know about you but I’ll go out on a limb here and guess most people would rather be surrounded by positive energy than negative energy.

Yet, I can’t help but wonder, do we have a choice?

And does negative energy really impact our ability to be happy?

If you’ve been reading my posts since I started my website, you’ll know I’m all about seeking out credible, scientific based facts to support my theories and recommendations in coping with the physical and mental challenges we all face in life. Unfortunately, science still needs to catch up on the topic of positive and negative energy and its impact on our physical and mental state of being. Thankfully, though, there are many who have been living it and have decided to share their findings with others (see below for some of my favorites).

But since I have an inner geek that likes to research and think in concrete terms (that’s why I love math!) I feel compelled to share what science does know about energy and how it really does fit in with New Age thinking.

First: energy is all around us. It can take the form of chemical, radiant or thermal energy, to name but a few.

Secondly: in physics, energy is a property of objects that can be transferred to other objects. Even further, in Newtonian physics there is a universal law of conservation of energy stating that energy can neither be created nor destroyed; however, it can change from one form to another.

So, if energy can be transferred from one object to another, does it matter if you surround yourself with positive or negative energy?

You betcha!

In my book it matters every single day.

And then there is the Law of Attraction. Again, there’s no “scientific proof” that this law exists, but many researchers have pointed to the teachings and words of great philosophers, including this quote from the Buddha: “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.”

The Law of Attraction is the belief that “like attracts like.” Basically, positive thoughts, feelings and actions attract more positive thoughts and feelings. And vice versa: negative thoughts, feelings and actions attract even more negative thoughts and feelings.

Having lived with the anger, pain and sadness as my husband Larry got sicker every day and eventually died brought me to a level of despair I never knew possible.

The first year following his death it felt as though I was living Murphy’s Law: if anything could go wrong, it did!

My kids and I suffered one illness after another. Appliances broke down and other maintenance issues for the house popped up. And then, the icing on the cake: we found out our new puppy was born with a severe congenital heart defect and most likely wouldn’t live past a year.

There were so many days when I just wanted to throw in the towel. I was constantly filled with anger, resentment and jealousy- all negative emotions.

However, while it felt like I had a black cloud following me wherever I went, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by love: love from my children, my parents, siblings, extended family and friends. This love (a very positive emotion) helped me to keep going. The more love I let in, the more seemed to flow my way.

I knew from my years of following the New Age works of people such as: Marianne Williamson, Deepak Chopra and Louise Hay that I would have to work at releasing the negative feelings before they began to impede my path of healing.

I had to consciously make choices every day and- trust me- there were many days I was left exhausted by the efforts I was trying to make to heal.

Fatigue plays a huge role when I’m struggling to transform negative feelings into positive energy. I’ve joked with family and friends that focusing on healing and converting negative energy into positive energy can feel like a part time job that never ends! But the peace and happiness that I gain in my life is certainly worth it.

You might be wondering why, if I focus on surrounding myself with positive energy, do I still have negative energy around me?

Because I live in the real world!

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of anger, hostility and jealousy out there.

Simple acts of driving and going to the grocery store can invite negative energy into your life. A negative comment from a friend can turn your happy mood into a somber one pretty quickly. An argument with your spouse and/or kids can ruin an entire day (or more!).

The point is, there really is no escaping the negativity around us and a lot of it is out of our control. But what isn’t out of our control is how we let the negativity impact us.

We have the ability to make choices.

Yes, when someone cuts me off or flips me the finger while I’m driving, I can choose to flip them back (which I have) or… I can choose to ignore the person and concentrate on my driving. While the former is enticing, revenge and retaliation are both negative energies, if I go this route I find these feelings stay with me far longer than if I choose the latter and simply wave and smile back!

Self-talk is another avenue that can transform negative and positive energy.

Negative self-talk is prominent amongst adolescents (even the teens who seem to have it all together experience negative self-talk), people who feel they are down on their luck and, I admit, anytime you face a difficult life challenge.

I mentioned above that science is behind in researching positive and negative energy, but I was happy to see the Mayo Clinic supports positive thinking to reduce stress.

The information they present is very informative and provides guidance in how to “rephrase” negative thoughts into positive ones. To read the report- appropriately titled, “Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress”- click on the link below:

http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950?pg=1

Do I still struggle with negative self-talk?

I share this with you because I know that after facing the biggest loss of my life- my husband Larry- I will struggle with staying positive and warding off negativity, depression and anxiety for as long as I live. Each time I hit an obstacle, my initial reaction can be negative, but I’m able to recognize my negativity quick these days before any negative self-talk even begins.

And I can tell you after living in an abyss of darkness from grief I’ll do whatever I need to in order to stay positive and as healthy as possible in my body, my mind and my spirit.

I pray you will do the same.

Many Blessings,

Pam

Hi there,

When someone you love is no longer in your life what you miss about him or her gets scattered over time.

For instance, I didn’t miss the way Larry took responsibility for the maintenance of our cars until I needed to get work done on mine. I didn’t miss his photography skills until I had to ask someone else to take our holiday photo. (To be honest, there has been an extreme decline in photos of my children since Larry died.)

And I didn’t miss his thoughtful generosity until I had to face the first anniversary, birthday and mother’s day without him. It wasn’t the gift that I missed but his excitement in finding just the right one and, most of all, his desire to include our boys in the process so they could learn what it meant to give to others.

Larry loved giving gifts. What I loved is that each gift had a story that he shared as he waited for me to open it.

When the boys were old enough to walk he took them to the store so they could pick out a gift for me. He never persuaded them one way or another because he knew I would cherish whatever gift I received from my children.

Hence the butterfly earrings and pyramid salt and pepper shakers! The only problem was they were so excited about it that they wanted to tell me what they bought as soon as they got home from the store! Larry always found himself reminding them to keep it a surprise.

I can’t give my children credit for all the unique gifts I’ve received over the years. One year Larry decided I needed a ceramic pig with a chef hat and chalkboard for the kitchen! I still have it (pictured here) minus the chalkboard, but only because it broke. Despite some wacky gifts I also received beautiful ones that I cherish to this day.

I’ll always remember one of the last birthday gifts he gave me: a set of candles and an infuser with a white ceramic tray. He knew how much I loved to relax in the tub and even though we didn’t have the space in our current home to display it in the bathroom, he said I could save it for when we moved to a new home (the one we put a halt on when we found out he was sick). So I stored my birthday gift high on a shelf in my closet knowing one day I would get to use it.

On my first Christmas without Larry my wonderful sisters took it upon themselves to present me with a gift on Christmas day even though the adults in our family no longer exchanged gifts. They didn’t want me to go through the day without receiving something.

The following year I chose to stay in Arizona for the holidays even though it meant we would celebrate Christmas without extended family. I certainly didn’t expect my sisters to send me a gift, and this is when I really started to miss the lesson of giving Larry had been trying to teach our children.

With this in mind I talked to my three boys about buying gifts for one another, including me. I could tell they were excited about getting me a gift. I created a small list and took them to Target. I gave them money from the gift jar that we added to throughout the year and told them I would wait at the front of the store for them.

I loved seeing the smile on their faces and each one hushing the other not to tell me what they bought. It brought back fond memories of when Larry took them to the store and they were bursting with excitement to tell me their secrets.

That year, Christmas morning, after the boys opened their gifts they encouraged me to open mine.

Here is the list I gave them:

• The movie Bridesmaids starring Kristen Wiig. I saw this in the theater after a really difficult day and it made me laugh so hard I wanted to have it on hand for future laughs.

• Open-toed slippers. I live in Arizona and my feet get hot, even on cold mornings.

• New pajamas. I realize now I should have been more specific with this one.

Here is what I got:

• The movie Bride Wars starring Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway.

• Faux fur-lined closed-toe slippers.

• New pajamas: size extra-large, I’m a medium.

Oh they were so excited to see me open my presents there was no way I could be disappointed. So I watched the movie and had to admit there were a few funny parts that made me laugh. And I still wear the slippers, although they are reserved for REALLY cold mornings. The pajamas I did end up taking back, but only for an even exchange to get the correct size.

Seeing the joy it brought my children I decided to keep up this tradition so we repeated it the following year. This time I just gave them carte blanche: I decided Larry gave them free reign and so would I.

So yes, I’ve received a few more “unique” gifts over the years. The bungee chair for mother’s day comes to mind! But I love each gift because I love the feeling that a little piece of Larry – and his love of giving- is shining through each of the boys, and that is the best gift of all.

Then came our first Christmas in the new house, which happened to be our third Christmas without Larry. We followed the same routine of the boys opening their presents first, with me trying to take a few pictures to capture the moment, and then I opened my gifts. Afterward the boys really wanted to play with their new games, so I went to take a bath. I figured I would relax in the tub for a while before I had to start cooking.

In my bathroom I opened a cabinet in search of bath salts. Instead what I found took me completely by surprise and forced me to sit down while tears streamed down my face.

The move from our old home to the one we live in now was very emotional. I struggled with the feeling that I was leaving Larry behind.

Prior to the move I got help from people to help me pack and even with more help it took months for me to unpack. To this day I honestly don’t recall packing or unpacking what I found in my cabinet that glorious Christmas morning.

It was the set of candles, infuser and white ceramic tray Larry had given to me on my birthday which I had stored high on a shelf in the closet of our old house.

I sat there for what seemed like an eternity marveling at this completely unexpected gift. It felt as though Larry had given it to me that morning and a great sense of peace washed over me: no matter where we live, he will always be with us.

That is my hope for you this holiday season: that you have faith. No matter where you are or what you face, know you’re loved one is with you, always.

I hope and pray you have a magical holiday.

Pam

P.S. Congratulations to Kim K., the winner of the December Holiday Stress Buster Giveaway!

To all of you who entered the giveaway, thank you, and please don’t despair, there will be another giveaway in January 2015!

P.P.S. I am taking next week off to spend time with my family so there won’t be a weekly newsletter. The next weekly newsletter will be on January 7, 2015! Until then, I wish you and your family a very Happy Holiday!

If your house is anything like mine, the closer we get to Christmas the more I hear “I want…” from my children. “I want an Xbox One, I want Legos, a new baseball bat, a hockey bag…” The list is endless!

I don’t take away the wishful thinking from my children- I have plenty of fond memories of my own as a child combing through the huge Sears catalog that came every fall (yes, I just dated myself!), circling more toys than could possibly fit in our home.

And I was very fortunate to get the games, dolls, strollers, etc. that I did.

But as much as I want to fulfill my children’s every desire, like most parents, I also want them to appreciate what they get. Basically I want them to be humble with what they already have and accept what’s given to them graciously.

Is that really too much to ask?

Unfortunately sometimes it is. We’re constantly being targeted by marketing campaigns that cleverly tell us we need their product to enhance our lives. How can we decipher what’s really important?

It also makes me wonder if humility can we be taught or does it just happen naturally?

I believe it’s a combination of both. But trying to teach it is much more difficult mostly because in order to be humble we need to show our vulnerability, which many of us, myself included, may not feel comfortable showing.

Yet, it’s the exposure of our vulnerability that brings out our humanity and connects us with one another.

In my experience, in order to teach my children how to be humble, I first had to figure out what it really meant to be humble.

One of the steps I took was turning to a trusted source, my dictionary, to figure this out. This is what is defined as humble: low in rank, importance, status, quality, and having a feeling of insignificance, inferiority, subservient.

Wow, with those kinds of qualities, why would I ever want to be humble?

But as I kept reading, the definition transformed: not proud or arrogant; modest, and courteously respectful.

The latter definition brings to mind some of the greatest leaders known for their humility: Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and being a Christian, I believe the greatest teacher of humility is Jesus.

So even though I can wrap my arms around the teachings of these wonderful leaders and can relate to being modest and courteously respectful, I still find times where I don’t want to be inferior or subservient… Really, who does? I don’t think that part of being humble can be taught.

And this is where life (or whatever higher power you believe in) stepped in and served me many slices of humble pie, some small and some too big to digest in one sitting.

One that I’ve been served time and again is with respect to my son who was born with special needs.

Shortly after he was born he underwent a necessary battery of tests, including an echo-cardiogram at 6 weeks of age to make sure all the chambers in his heart closed properly (they did). At 9 months of age he had to undergo multiple EEG tests and a CAT scan to determine if he was having seizures (he wasn’t). When he was 3 years old he had his second surgery to put tubes in his ears and remove his tonsils and adenoids. It all went well.

I was more than thankful each time results came back in our favor. I wanted to rejoice at our good fortune. But as I walked the halls of the different hospitals we visited, I learned to be courteously respectful of others who weren’t so fortunate.

We had many visits to Children’s Memorial hospital in Chicago and Phoenix Children’s hospital in Arizona. Each time I walked the halls I saw courageous children being pushed in wheelchairs or pulled in wagons with oxygen tubes and feeding tubes protruding from their little bodies. Children who had no hair as a result of chemotherapy. Children who had to spend Christmas in the hospital.

Yes, my son was the lucky one. On those days I was grateful for being low in rank and priority with regards to an appointment with the doctor.

And then Larry got sick.

It was our turn to walk in the shoes others had filled. We consulted with doctors at John’s Hopkins and Mayo Clinic, and as they delivered devastating news at each visit, they remained courteously respectful. They had the education and years of experience to hopefully heal, but there came a time when even they knew they couldn’t cure the patient and they knew the odds better than we did.

This experience gave me the greatest lesson in humility I could ever learn: the loss of someone who meant the world to me.

I wanted to crawl into a hole and fade away but the parents where my children went to school wouldn’t let me. Some had experienced a similar loss, others simply wanted to help. They sent me emails, cards, meals and gifts that were truly unexpected.

I graciously accepted every meal, card and gift given and I was touched beyond belief.

Parents I didn’t even know very well reached out. That’s when I understood humility transcends race, gender, religion and age.

As human beings we are all vulnerable at one point or another in our lives. It’s our greatest connection to one another. It also provides the catalyst we need to want to help others in times of need.

So as a parent I will do my best to “teach” my children to be humble, but I also know life will teach them more. It already has.

Because of this I know they’ll be happy with what they get, albeit a little disappointed (no Xbox One!) but appreciative none-the-less.

And I know it sounds cliché when I say I have everything I need (mostly the people I love and who love me) but it’s true.

There’s still a piece of humble pie I take a bite of every time I write a post and reach out to all of you. I know you’ve had your share of pain and heartache as well and I pray this website provides an avenue for us all to stay connected.

Our stories may be different, but we’re all a part of humanity.

Instead of my usual sign off I will turn to the words of one of the leaders mentioned above, Mother Teresa:

“If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.”

Pam

Hi Sweet Friend,

Now that we’re into our second week of December my holiday to-do list is picking up speed. It seems as though there are a million activities planned for the next three weeks, including- school projects that are due before break, winter recitals, and holiday parties. In addition there’s shopping for gifts and food and… Wow, I can feel the muscles in my neck and shoulders tighten just thinking about it!

During this time of the year I find myself turning to the multitude of wellness techniques that I’ve mentioned in previous posts. I eat well, exercise regularly, write in my journal and take deep breaths throughout the day, but I can still feel my muscles constricting by the minute.

Unfortunately this is nothing new for me and I’m sure many of you can relate to sore muscles in the upper back and neck area. That goes double these days with the amount of time we spend hunched over the computer.

It seems like I’ve had this issue forever and the tension in my neck increases when I feel stressed.

The tension really came to a head years ago when I was studying for the CPA exam. If you read the post, My Path to Healing, you’ll know this was the same time I was diagnosed with severe acid reflux. Between work and studying I was stressed out to the max!

I shared with Larry (who was my boyfriend at that time) what the doctor told me about learning to cope with stress and he agreed that if I continued like this I would do myself more harm than good.

While Larry always supported my goals he was also concerned about me. As usual, his love and concern really showed when he gave me my Christmas gift that year: a gift certificate for a massage.

Eleven years my senior, Larry had been in the business world longer than I had and knew a thing or two about stress. Next to his office was a health club that he frequented on his lunch hour to exercise and occasionally get a massage.

Of course I had heard about massages, but at the time I viewed it as a luxury reserved mainly for those who could afford the time and the money, both of which- for me at least- were in short supply.

Little did I realize that his gift was two-fold: while it took away my concerns about having to pay for a massage, the bigger gift was learning to find the time to take care of myself. That gift served me well when I became a mother and still does today.

I’ll never forget that first massage, I actually fell asleep! I emerged from the warm and cozy experience that night feeling more relaxed than I had in a long time. I couldn’t wait to call Larry and thank him.

The only problem was I had become hooked! I made the decision a long time ago that I had to incorporate this into both my schedule and my budget no matter what. I was worth it!

Fast-forward twenty years and getting a massage has become more mainstream. Thanks to extensive research regarding the benefits of massages it can also be classified as therapeutic, meaning in some instances it may even be covered by your health insurance.

For those of you who may not have had a massage before, you may have some questions or reservations that I’d like to address.

Let’s start with some basic information.

Exactly what is a massage?

Basically a massage is the manipulation of the superficial and deeper layers of muscle and connective tissue using various techniques.

What kind of massages are there and what’s the best one?

There exists a wide range of massages, including- deep tissue, therapeutic, hot stone, shiatsu, Thai, reflexology and pregnancy, just to name a few. The one you choose really depends on your level of comfort with regards to pressure and the benefit you are looking to achieve.

Since I suffer from chronic inflammation I like a deep tissue massage with a focus on my neck, shoulders and back. It really is a personal choice. I recommend you spend time with a massage therapist to discuss your options before picking from the menu.

What are some of the benefits of a massage?

The benefits of a massage are numerous- even major medical institutions are offering massage therapy, including the prestigious Mayo Clinic. The following is a list taken from their website of some disorders that studies have found massage therapy may be helpful for:

• Anxiety

• Digestive disorders

• Fibromyalgia

• Headaches

• Insomnia related to stress

• Myofascial pain syndrome

• Paresthesias and nerve pain

• Soft tissue strains or injuries

• Sports injuries

• Temporomandibular joint pain

I’ve personally experienced at least six of the disorders mentioned above and I can attest that a massage has offered much needed relief when I was in pain.

Even though you may believe in the benefits of a massage, I suspect some of you are still going to throw up a few roadblocks. Here are a few that come to mind:

What about the cost?

And in today’s economy this is a very valid concern. However, there are many more opportunities available today than there were twenty years ago that make massages much more affordable. Here are some options you can look into:

• Is there a massage school near you? Many offer reduced rates if you’re willing to work with an advanced student under the guidance of an instructor.

• Look for deals on Groupon, Living Social and Deal Chicken. I’ve seen offers as high as 90% off!

• Join a monthly massage club for a reduced rate.

• Use the barter system. Do you have a skill you can trade with a professional who gives massages?

• If you have a chronic illness, check with your insurance to see if massage therapy is covered.

• Put it on your Christmas, birthday, or any other special occasion list you have.

I don’t have the time for a massage- (this is a personal favorite of mine).

We all have responsibilities with work, kids, our home, and goodness knows what else we put on our plates.

I’ll always remember the Christmas gift Larry gave me. He cared enough about me and my health to encourage me to take care of myself. I honestly don’t know where I (or my children) would be today if I didn’t.

The greatest gift you can give all the people you love is to take care of yourself so you can be there when they need you most.

So as you load up your arms with packages from shopping and fill up your calendar with activities, make sure you pencil in some time just for you.

And if you have the means right now, I highly recommend you relieve the holiday stress with a therapeutic massage. Better yet, put it on your Christmas list!

This holiday season I wish you relief from any pain or stress you may be experiencing and pray that peace surrounds you and your family.

Pam

P.S. I have a special announcement coming in today’s follow up post. Be sure to look for it!

Hello Sweet Friend,

Congratulations, you made it through Thanksgiving! I hope you had a wonderful day.

Now that Thanksgiving is over my attention quickly turns to Christmas (it’s hard not to since they’ve been playing Christmas carols for a few weeks now).

It’s been a tradition of mine to trim the tree and decorate as much as I can the weekend after Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, not everyone in my house has always shared in my enthusiasm! Larry preferred to watch football, whether college or professional. As for my children, they would excitedly hang a few ornaments and then turn their attention back to their toys.

As much as I loved to decorate there was one task I absolutely detested: stringing the lights on the tree. Surprisingly, Larry didn’t mind putting up the lights. I saw this as an opportunity to create a win-win situation: early on Larry and I agreed that if he strung the lights on the tree I would absolve him of any further decorating. It worked!

This arrangement fostered peace and the holiday spirit in our home and worked well for quite a few years.

Until Larry died.

When someone you love is no longer in your life their presence is missed in so many ways.

The first two holiday seasons after he was gone I didn’t have to face the tree lighting issue. Since we sold our house and put all of our belongings in storage right before Larry died, I didn’t have our big tree to put up.

For the sake of my children I purchased a small, already-lit tabletop tree. I hung some stockings and scattered a few snow globes around the house. It was a far cry from my usual decorating, but it was the best I could do under the circumstances.

At the request of my son I did venture outside to hang a few strands of lights around our home. As I retrieved the ladder from the garage and proceeded with a heavy heart to hang the lights a well-meaning neighbor walked over and offered to help.

When Larry passed away family and friends offered to help at every turn. But like a stubborn adolescent I dug in my heels and kept refusing. I’m all alone now, I thought to myself over and over, I have to learn to manage on my own.

“No, thank you,” I responded politely, “I’m good, I can do it myself.”

I believe the pain I felt inside blinded my ability to believe people truly wanted to help out of the goodness of their hearts.

This is a belief I carried with me for a long time.

Then in 2012 we moved into our new home and I got all of my decorations out of storage. I decided I wanted to decorate like I had in years past.

I mean, it had been over two years since Larry died and it was my third holiday season without him, surely I could handle putting up the tree by myself.

But by the time I had assembled the tree and plugged in all the strands of lights to separate the good strands from the bad ones, I was emotionally undone.

Seeing all my holiday decorations for the first time in over two years brought back all the memories of past holiday seasons spent with Larry.

My emotions quickly evolved from sad and crying to angry and royally ticked off. As I stared at my naked tree I had one thought: I can’t stand doing the lights!

In that moment of despair I called my then eleven-year-old son to help me. I’m sure he could tell from the look on my face that I had been crying and he quickly tried to comfort me and agreed to help.

Well, as much as I love my son and appreciate his efforts, in that moment the mix of an eleven-year-old trying to rush through getting the lights strung on the tree and my already incensed feelings was enough to create an argument.

It certainly wasn’t a parenting moment I’m very proud of. I nit-picked the way he tried to string the lights and he in turn expressed his frustration right back at me.

Needless to say he walked away not knowing what he did wrong and I went to my room and gave myself a much needed time-out.

I was angry with myself for the way I had interacted with my son and I was angry in general because I had really hoped this holiday season in a new home would give us a fresh start. Plus I truly hoped I could find some beauty in it all once again.

But just like a kid who finds out Santa Claus really doesn’t exist, my hopes were dashed and the disappointment was acute.

After a while I emerged from my room and apologized to my son for my behavior and dug down deep for strength to finish the tree.
The following year I wasn’t sure how I would cope as the holidays approached, but I knew one thing: I wasn’t going to put up the lights!

I didn’t want a reenactment of the prior year’s fiasco with my son. So after some thought I decided to do the one thing I always had a hard time doing. I asked for help.

My parents had made the move to Arizona the prior year to escape the harsh winters in the Midwest and to be closer to me and my children so they could lend a helping hand when needed.

I decided for my sanity and to preserve the peace of the holiday season- and the peace in my home- to go ahead and ask my mother to help me trim the tree.

One of the great qualities about my mother is that any time I ask her for some help she is more than eager to be there for me. Little did she know I’d give her the task of stringing the lights. But she did it with an attention to detail my son and I no longer had the patience for.

And this year, well, my mother was there for me once again.

This time, though, it became a family affair. With some good-natured moaning and groaning the boys were enlisted to help put up the tree and we did it together.

As I reflect back on this past Friday I recognize it was more than a simple exercise in tree-trimming: it was all about the memories that we created.

And the holiday spirit is in our home once more.

Of course we had some frustrating moments: the angel kept leaning and threatened to topple over, the lights went out on half a strand after they were already strung on the tree, a few ornaments were dropped and shattered, and the boys kept repeating, “Can we be done?”

But there was also laughter, Christmas music (until my eldest son decided he had heard enough and changed it) and good-natured joking while the tree got trimmed and stockings got hung.

Most importantly, I’m learning I don’t have to do it all on my own.

So as I sit in my living room with my laptop and write this post, I’m grateful once more for all I have: a beautiful tree to glance at as I gather my thoughts and reminisce about a nice afternoon I shared with my family.

As for next year…you can bet I’ll enlist the help of my mother once more.

If you’re having a difficult time deciding what to do about decorating for Christmas I encourage you to reach out… And let someone else put up the lights!

Wishing you a holiday full of light and blessings,

Pam

P.S. Click here to check out the Blueberry Almond Coconut Smoothie. It’s awesome!

The art of practicing gratitude has been around for centuries. It’s the foundation for many old religions and was observed by stoic philosophers as far back as 2,400 years ago in Greece. But even though this is an ancient tradition, as a society we’ve only recently begun to study and understand the positive effects practicing gratitude has on our emotional well-being.

What does it mean to “practice” gratitude?

It means we have to make a conscious effort every day to find something or someone to be thankful for (not only on Thanksgiving). It’s a way of being present and appreciating what we have today.

Let’s face it: being optimistic doesn’t come naturally during difficult times in our lives. Sometimes we have to work hard at finding the silver lining.

There were many moments when I’ve struggled with practicing gratitude, even before my husband Larry died.

As a parent to a child with special needs I’ve faced moments in my life where I’ve been overwhelmed with therapy appointments, educational meetings and assessments, not to mention the constant research I took upon myself to do at all times of the day and night searching for more ways to help my son.

In addition to the physical demands of running around, the roller coaster of emotions a parent of a child with special needs faces is enough to make one want to yell: “STOP, I need to get off this ride!” A good report from therapists or teachers would send my excitement soaring high into the sky; a negative report would leave me with my head on my desk and crying, wondering what more could I do, what therapy I could’ve missed…

Then Larry died and I really had a hard time finding anything– other than my children- to be grateful for.

When the holidays approached I put on a good face, but inside the pain and guilt I felt was very real. Yes, I felt guilty. I mean, how could I appreciate the food I was about to eat when Larry wouldn’t be here to eat it with me?

One thing I knew for sure: after getting through the holidays and facing depression from grief I just had to kick up my wellness plan. That meant that along with all the other tools I’ve mentioned in past posts I started to practice gratitude on a daily basis.

Yes, but, does it really make a difference?

It most certainly does. According to the Greater Good Science Center in Berkley at the University of California, those who practice gratitude on a regular basis show benefits in one or more of the following:

• Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure

• Higher levels of positive emotions

• More joy, optimism, and happiness

• Acting with more generosity and compassion

• Feeling less lonely and isolated

So each morning as I took my walk I had a running list in my mind of all the things I was grateful for. Mostly it was a list of what I call the “typical” things: my children, my home, my extended family and friends.

Then one day after we celebrated Larry’s birthday in July (which we do every year), I decided to get more specific and write down everything about Larry having been in my life that I was grateful for.

I grabbed my journal and instead of focusing on what I was missing from him each day, I decided to thank him for what he brought into my life.

This following is an excerpt taken from my journal on July 23, 2011.

Dear Larry,

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for always encouraging me.

Thank you for marrying me.

Thank you for three wonderful boys.

Thank you for giving me the ability to provide for the boys.

Thank you for your generosity.

Thank you for teaching me what it means to be in a good relationship. 

Thank you for showing me respect.

Thank you for allowing me to be me.

Thank you for helping to create this family.

Focusing on the qualities Larry had and what he brought to me and our relationship didn’t mean I stopped missing him. Quite the contrary, I missed him every day- I still do. But writing down his qualities helped me appreciate that he was in my life and even though his death brought an immense amount of pain into my life, the positive aspects far outweighed the pain. I’ll always be grateful for having the privilege of knowing him, loving him and creating a family with him.

After going through this process for Larry I was left with a sense of peace that I didn’t have before. It also led me to do the same for my son with special needs who has certainly taught me as much, if not more, than I’ve taught him.

To my son:

Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

Thank you for showing me how to forgive, even at the hardest times.

Thank you for showing me how to persevere each day.

Thank you for teaching your brothers to have compassion for those who struggle.

Thank you for your wicked sense of humor!

Thank you for choosing me to be your mom!

This doesn’t erase the hard times we’ve faced, or still may face, but each day I spend with him I know we were meant to be together.

So, like most of you, I’ll share what I’m thankful for tomorrow with my children and parents as we sit down for our Thanksgiving dinner, but I have one more thing to be grateful for this year:

I’m grateful to you for trusting in me, believing in me and choosing to join this community and travel down this path of healing together.

Thank You and have a Blessed Thanksgiving!

Pam

P.S. Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving and many of you will be spending your day shopping, cooking or traveling, I won’t be sending a follow up post this afternoon. Happy Thanksgiving!

Cherished Friend,

Today’s topic is not an easy one for me to discuss and it’s very personal. But I feel it’s so important to raise the awareness of depression from grief that I’m more than willing to share my story.

When a loved one dies or you experience a separation beyond your control it’s universally recognized that a process of grief will ensue. But at what point does immense sadness turn into depression? Does the categorization even matter?

According to the CDC, 1 out of 10 adults in the U.S. suffer from depression. The National Institute of Mental Health website lists the following as categories of depression: major depression, persistent depressive disorder, psychotic depression, postpartum depression, seasonal affective disorder and bipolar disorder. You will not find “depression from grief” listed in this category. However, it has been a subject for much debate.

An article in 2012 from Psychology Today states: For years, the American Psychiatric Association has urged doctors not to diagnose major depression in individuals who have recently lost a loved one. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSMMD), sometimes known as the psychiatrist’s bible for diagnosing mental illness, grief is specifically listed as an exception to the diagnosis of clinical depression. The organization is now considering dropping that exclusion, raising the question: Is grieving ever ‘pathological’?

As recently as 2013, the American Psychiatric Association (APA) did make an exception for depression related to bereavement listed under Diagnostic and Statistical Manual – fifth edition (DSM-5).

Why is recognizing depression from grief as a true disorder important?

If you’re suffering from depression it’s important you have a treatment plan in place. If it isn’t a recognized illness your insurance may not cover the treatment you seek.

Why wasn’t it listed before?

The APA believed there was a difference in depression related to bereavement from major depression, the former was believed to be short-lived and the latter stemming from a mental disorder that may need long-term treatment. They finally recognized that the symptoms are the same and the results can be just as devastating if a person does not seek the help they need.

I know because I was faced with depression in the early stages of my grief.

When my husband Larry died I did most of my heavy grieving while the kids were at school. I didn’t hide my sadness or even tears from them. But I did spare them the sight of their mother curled up like a ball and sobbing. I thought if they saw me in such despair it would’ve frightened them at their young age.

So when the holiday break from school came it meant I was with my children 24/7 for over two weeks, which didn’t allow for me to grieve in the manner I needed to. I did find some time to allow the heavy grief to come out- during my shower or early in the morning before they woke up- but it wasn’t enough of an outlet. Most of the grief I needed to release during this already difficult time stayed pent up inside of me.

To pour salt on the wound my eldest son turned ten a few days after New Year’s Day. It was a milestone birthday and I wished more than ever his dad could’ve been there to celebrate with him.

On my son’s birthday I tried my best to present a happy face, but inside all I could think about was the day he was born and how happy we all were back then. My heart ached even more as I remembered the huge grin plastered on my husband’s face. He was the epitome of a proud papa.

Instead of feeling the joy I did when he was born I started to wallow in misery and the fatigue I felt made me want to throw in the towel. I was tired of grieving, I was tired of being the only parent around to watch my children grow up, I was tired of the burden of taking care of the business…Basically I was TIRED! That began my descent into depression.

For over three weeks I cried from the minute I dropped my children off at school until right before I picked them up. I felt no joy in my life or hope for any to come. It felt as though a heavy black cloud hung over me. I couldn’t make decisions about the business. I had no idea where we would live.

We had sold our house in Illinois the same time Larry received his diagnosis and put all our belongings in storage until we could find a new home in Arizona. Unfortunately Larry died before we could make this change together. So our things remained in storage and the boys and I lived in a temporary home. It was up to me alone to decide if we stayed in Arizona or went back to Chicago.

I couldn’t eat much and my body was beyond exhausted. I felt incapable of moving forward.

Any steps I had taken the previous three months in processing my grief seemed to be wiped away and I was back to square one: the day Larry died.

I was starting to worry that I had sunk to a level I might never recover from. Finally after three weeks of not be able to stop crying ALL DAY I confessed to my grief counselor how I was feeling.

I sat across from her sharing all of this as tears streamed down my face. “What’s wrong with me?” I wailed. Honestly, I was expecting her to say anything expect what came next. She sighed and leaned toward me and spoke softly, “I think it’s time we discuss that you may be suffering from depression…”

What! I wanted to scream, but instead I suddenly stopped crying and stared back at her as though she had to be mistaken. I wasn’t depressed.

I’m the one people came to when they needed someone to talk to. I’m the one who saw the glass as always half full. I’m the one who had to be strong for her children who were depending on her. I didn’t have time to be depressed!

Why would I think it couldn’t happen to me? Of course I knew depression had nothing to do with being strong. I knew- and still know- plenty of strong people who live with depression. How did I miss this? How did I ignore the signs? Simple: it was me who was depressed and isolated in my own world.

My grief counselor and I talked about various avenues and treatments in coping with depression. Since I was still functioning and capable of taking care of my children I expressed that I wanted to take the holistic route and go back to all the wellness techniques I had relied on in the past. Since I had a weekly appointment with her and she would be monitoring me on a regular basis she agreed with my current plan of action. And for me that was key: I had to force myself to take action.

I had stopped myself from making decisions out of fear. Without Larry, I feared I’d make the wrong decisions. I also had to wrestle with fear of moving forward without him. For someone who normally doesn’t make decisions based on fear, I was letting fear rule me. The only fear that was productive in that moment was my fear that if I got worse I wouldn’t be able to take care of my children. And, once again, my children saved me.

How do you know if you’re facing depression? Here are some of the symptoms to be aware of:

• Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

• Loss of interest in daily activities

• Appetite or weight changes

• Sleep changes

• Anger or irritability

• Loss of energy

• Self-loathing

• Reckless behavior

• Thoughts of suicide

If at any time you feel like you may harm yourself or someone else, seek medical attention immediately!

Here are some steps you can take if you’re suffering from depression related to grief (please note I’m not discussing other forms of depression):

• Seek counseling from a certified and qualified counselor

• Reach out to family and friends, don’t isolate yourself

• Practice stress-reducing techniques

• Eat a nutrient-rich diet (yes, I said it again)

• Eliminate or limit alcohol (it’s a natural depressant)

• Be active, take a walk, practice yoga

• Reach out for help in areas you may be struggling

As I mentioned above I had no hope for my future and I didn’t feel capable of making decisions on my own.

Thankfully I had some people I could count on. After talking with my grief counselor about depression I decided I had to force myself to make some decisions. I reached out to my business partners (who were not aware of my depression) and asked for their guidance in helping me make some decisions regarding my business and a new home for my children and me.

I then decided we would stay in Arizona. After what my kids had been through I didn’t want to take them out of a school they were familiar with and away from the close friends they had made.

I continued to see my grief counselor regularly. This was extremely beneficial for me. As I mentioned in last week’s post, “Living with Anxiety,” I had a standing weekly appointment.

It was during this time that we joined New Song Center for Grieving Children. I can’t recommend enough that you find a quality, professionally organized group therapy program. One of the symptoms of depression is isolation and feeling alone. Attending group therapy with other adults who suffered a major loss helped me to see I wasn’t alone. We provided the support for one another that I still hold dear to my heart today. When you are at the lowest point in your life finding others who understand what you’re going through is priceless.

The depression didn’t go away over-night, but I kept up a steady routine of visiting my grief counselor, practicing stress-reducing techniques and paying attention to what I put into my body.

One of the reasons the American Psychiatric Association doesn’t classify “depression from grief” as a disorder is they felt that as you healed in grief your depression would heal as well and you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.

As with my anxiety, I tend to walk a tightrope at times in fighting the depression from coming back, especially every fall. Come September (when Larry was in the hospital) through October 15th, the day he died, I always feel as though a thin veil of darkness hangs over my head. It’s not debilitating, it just weighs on my shoulders kind of like a reminder of the struggles I faced to get where I am today: at peace with my life and myself. Nevertheless, I’m extra cautious in what I do and what I put into my body during this time.

This is why I focus so heavily on wellness practices, specifically affirmations. I know too well how precarious the mind can be and every day I consciously strive to be as healthy as I can be in mind, body and spirit.

And if you are facing depression, I pray you will find your path in healing and find peace in your life.

Pam

PS. During this holiday season be extra kind to yourself. Take time to practice some of the wellness tools I’ve mentioned on other posts.