Good Morning,

The holidays are upon us and I know this time of year can heighten feelings of grief, anger or sadness. So I want to discuss a topic that is very real for many people: anxiety and panic attacks.

 

 

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, anxiety disorders affect about 40 million American adults age 18 years and older (that’s about 18% of the population of the United States) in any given year. Sadly, anxiety disorders now affect one in eight children.

Chances are you, or someone you know, has this disorder.

I’ve known plenty of friends and family members over the years who suffer from anxiety. I’ve listened on numerous occasions and sympathized many times as they described having a panic attack. While I empathized with the pain and fear that accompany anxiety and panic attacks, I never quite understood what it felt like to live with it…Until it happened to me.

In August of 2010 my husband Larry entered the hospital to undergo intense chemotherapy as treatment for acute myeloid leukemia. He couldn’t get a bone marrow transplant until the leukemia was deemed manageable.

One day while he was in the hospital waiting for treatment to begin we received some pretty dire news. When you face a life threatening illness it’s imperative to try and maintain a positive frame of mind in order to keep going each day. But that particular day there was no getting around the issue: if this treatment didn’t work Larry wouldn’t be around to see our kids grow up. I was devastated. But, for Larry’s sake, I became the cheerleader. Outwardly I told him not to listen to what the doctors said because he was going to make it, yet inside I was wrought with fear.

That evening I went home and fell asleep right away completely exhausted from the emotional turmoil of the day. During the middle of the night I was jolted awake by the uncontrollable shaking of my body. Furthermore, I realized my pajamas were soaking wet, my chest felt tight and I couldn’t catch my breath. Trembling, I climbed out of bed. Somehow I knew I had to get out of the wet pajamas. Still shaking, I managed to put on dry pajamas, grab a blanket and wrap it around me. I sunk to the bathroom floor and the tears came pouring out.

Perhaps it was the emotional release of the tears, but pretty quickly my shaking started to subside. Thankfully the tightness in my chest lessened and my breathing started to return to normal. I sat there in shock wondering what the heck just happened to me. Having listened to others as they described their panic attacks I knew I had just experienced my own.

I was stunned. How can this be happening?

Unfortunately Larry passed away less than two months after I experienced my first panic attack. My worst fears were realized. I went through all the motions in a fog after he died. The wake, the funeral, the return home and the return to daily life. Slowly the shock of his death began to subside and the grief came at me full force.

About a month after Larry died I found myself awake in the middle of the night once again. Just like the last time, my body was shaking uncontrollably and my pajamas were drenched with sweat. I had the same tightness in my chest and the same difficulty catching my breath. For the second time I got out of bed to change my pajamas, wrap a blanket around myself and sink to the floor. The only difference was I didn’t have to wonder what happened. I already knew: I had suffered another panic attack.

This time I cried for Larry not being with me. This time I cried because I felt such despair. Is this what my life would be like going forward? Would I just suffer one panic attack after another? Didn’t I have enough to deal with besides adding this to my plate of worries? It didn’t seem fair to me at the time. But then again, NONE of it was fair.

The American Psychological Association believes stressful life events, specifically pertaining to loss and separation, can trigger panic attacks. Please know that I’m not sharing this with you to add fear to an already difficult time in your life. I’m sharing my story with you to help, especially if you’ve already experienced a panic attack.

Not all panic attacks are as severe as the ones I experienced. To date, I’ve never had another severe panic attack like the one I described above. I still suffer from mild anxiety, but I’ve learned to live with it. And so can you.

How can you tell if you’re having a panic attack? Symptoms of a panic attack may include any or all of the following:

• Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate

• Sweating

• Trembling or shaking

• Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering

• Feelings of choking

• Chest pain or discomfort

• Nausea or abdominal distress

• Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed, or faint

• Chills or heat sensations

Here are some tips on how you can cope with an anxiety attack:

• Seek counseling from a licensed and qualified therapist

• Practice breathing exercises, (be sure to read the upcoming Wellness post where I explain breathing techniques)

• Eat a well-balanced nutrient rich diet (in case you’ve noticed, this is a pattern that appears in almost every post!)

• Limit your consumption of alcohol

• Limit your sugar intake, as it will bring down your immune system

• Exercise, do yoga, go for a walk

• Meditate

• Consider past stressful situations and see what tools you’ve used that have worked for you before

• Journal (I will cover this in length at a future date)

• Create and use affirmations

When I woke up the morning after my second panic attack I made a conscious decision: I didn’t want to live in fear of having another panic attack. Fortunately, I had enough tools in my “wellness bag” to give me hope.

Basically, I practiced every single one of the tips mentioned above- just not all at once and not all the same time.

I was already in the care of a licensed and experienced therapist. I was seeing her once every two weeks after I realized how serious Larry’s illness was. After he died I had a standing weekly appointment. It’s been almost a year since I stopped counseling, but I still have her number if I feel the need.

I also attended group therapy at New Song Center for Grieving Children. The children broke into groups based on their age and the adults went into a separate room. Being in a group with others who have experienced a tremendous loss (spouse, child or parent) erased feelings of isolation that can come with grief and contribute to anxiety.

I began to journal again. In fact, I had turned to journaling since college to help me get through rough patches in my life. (By the way, in my case this also took care of “Consider past stressful situations and tools you’ve used that have worked for you.”)

Then I practiced affirmations. Obviously I had no control over the death of my husband and the subsequent anxiety that came with it, but I could influence my thoughts and choose positive steps to heal.

One of the leftovers of that early anxiety that I still have to cope with on a regular basis is difficulty in catching my breath. Getting valley fever certainly didn’t help, so I practice breathing exercises on a regular basis.

Really paying attention to what I put into my body took me a little longer to do. The holidays certainly don’t make this easy. But I can’t emphasize enough the importance of eating nutrient rich foods and limiting alcohol and sugar.

Limiting sugar intake is very important. If you have a child that suffers from anxiety please help your child to read labels and understand the harm it could be causing in the long run.

More and more research is being published that establishes a correlation between sugar intake and anxiety.

According to Psychology Today the Standard American Diet, which is full of sugar and fat, does not necessarily cause anxiety but it does appear to worsen anxiety symptoms and impair the body’s ability to cope with stress.

I am grateful I had wellness tools to practice daily to help me cope with anxiety.

As previously mentioned, I still suffer from mild anxiety. I’m not sure why. Maybe the rubber band of anxiety in my life has been stretched too far, the elasticity has been lost and maybe it won’t ever return to the state it was in before Larry died. But that’s ok. I’ve learned to cope with the mild anxiety attacks that I get from time to time.

I’ve even learned how to recognize the source of my anxiety. Usually it’s brought on when I’m faced with stressful situations that involve my children regarding school or their health. It can also be brought on by life events, such as the death of someone close. And I experience symptoms of anxiety if I don’t eat or sleep well or even drink a little too much in a social setting.

I do my best each day to keep my body and mind healthy. Even so, circumstances outside my control can – and do – trigger my anxiety at times. But each time it happens, I’m confident I can cope with it.

That’s my biggest takeaway: I don’t live in fear of anxiety. If and when it happens, I trust I’ll be ok.

A word of caution: if you experience any of the symptoms listed above and they don’t subside, please seek medical attention immediately. Specifically if you have continued chest pains and difficulty breathing. I’ve been known to head to the ER more than once, just to make sure! Your health is not something to be gambled with.

If you currently suffer from anxiety or panic attacks I pray you find a way to add one or more of the coping techniques mentioned above into your day.

I wish you peace.

Pam

PS. If you live with anxiety and have some positive wellness tools that helps you please leave a comment below for others to see.

 

Hi Dear Friend,

The holidays will be here before you know it and I want you to be as prepared as one can be during this difficult time.

My favorite time of year always started with Halloween and ended on New Year’s Day. I have fond memories from my childhood of decorating the house, watching all the holiday specials on television and celebrating with family. I grew up in a south suburb of Chicago and remember going into the city to Marshall Fields (now Macy’s) and eating lunch by the tall Christmas tree.

I couldn’t wait to carry on some of the same traditions I experienced growing up with my own children. The holiday lights, Santa, and the first snowfall of the year were all more enchanting seeing them through the eyes of my children. Yes, the holiday season was magical to me and my inner child rejoiced each year.

I loved to decorate and, despite what Larry used to tell people, I really didn’t have that many decorations! For me all those details livened up the house and brought the Christmas spirit into our home.

Another favorite of mine was celebrating with family and friends. We usually spent Thanksgiving in Arizona and hosted dinner with friends. Afterward neighbors would come to our house for a potluck dessert. Back in Chicago for Christmas we’d host a buffet dinner at our home for both sides of our family. Then on New Year’s Eve we’d have one big sleep-over so no one had to worry about drinking and driving. Family and friends would come with their kids, sleeping bags and food. We’d spend the evening playing games and enjoying being together. I LOVED this time of year.

That is, until 2010 and I spent my first holiday season without Larry.

Larry died on October 15, 2010. As I mentioned in a previous blog we went to Chicago for the funeral. We came back home to Arizona on October 25, six days before Halloween. At the time my oldest was nine and the twins were seven. Children grieve differently than adults and have the wonderful ability to live in the moment. They caught the buzz from other kids at school and wanted to get costumes. With a heavy heart I took them one day after school to get their Halloween costumes. But I didn’t get one for myself. This would be the first Halloween in years I didn’t dress up.

When one of the twins asked me if I was going to put up the orange and black lights and all the other Halloween decorations my heart sank…, I just didn’t have it in me. All I could say to him was, “Honey, mommy is so tired and we just got back from Chicago, can we skip it this year?” Being the sweetheart that he is, he nodded and started to walk away only to turn around and ask, “But you’ll put up the Christmas lights, right?”

Ugh, Christmas! I couldn’t even face Halloween, how in the world would I make it through the rest of the holiday season?

If you’ve recently experienced a loss or had a major change in your household (perhaps due to separation or divorce) you may already be feeling this way.

I’ll be honest: that first holiday season without Larry was one of the most difficult times I’ve had to face since he passed away. But it was the difficulties from that first year and attending New Song Center for Grieving Children that helped me shape how I wanted to spend future holiday seasons.

And that is my gift to you: to let you know you have a choice in how you spend your Holiday season.

It’s likely there are people around you who care about you and want to help you get through the holidays. As well-meaning as they may be, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do. There’s a lot of stress and uncertainty that accompanies the holiday season when you’re hurting. There even may be guilt associated in feeling you have to carry on traditions. You may wonder if there’s a certain way you’re supposed to behave. You may even be tempted to turn your head and not give the holidays a second thought.

But the truth is, you will need to make some choices and that’s where I’d like to help you.

For those of you who are divorced or separated with children, you will need to reach an agreement in matters where the children are concerned. Most divorce or separation documents already include some sort of “division of holidays” clause; however, verify ahead of time to ensure the other parent understands the arrangements.

I’m sending this out three weeks before Thanksgiving so you’ll have some time to think about what you want to do. Here are some things to ponder:

• Do you want to cook on the holiday or prefer to visit someone else?

• Do you want to decorate your house for the holiday season?

• Do you even want to celebrate or would you rather choose to do something out of the ordinary that day?

• What traditions do you want to keep?

• What NEW traditions would you like to put in place?

Keep in mind that each year your answer to these questions may change as you heal.

If one of your friends or family members is the one that’s hurting, here’s how you can help:

• Be understanding and respectful of the decisions your friend makes in how she wants to celebrate the holiday season.

• Don’t place extra pressure or guilt on your friend at this sensitive time.

•Be specific in how you would like to help. Decorating, shopping, wrapping presents – these simple tasks can feel like a burden when you’re grieving.

And if it’s you who is grieving…How do you honor your dearly departed?

It always gave me a sense of peace to honor Larry throughout the holiday season. These are some of the things we’ve done on every holiday, birthday and any other special occasion:

• The boys and I make our own personal cards for Larry. We draw pictures and write a note to him. Then we share with each other the card we made and what it means to us. (I’ve saved all these cards for my children to give to them when they are older.)

• We light a candle at every holiday meal in honor of Larry.

• We’ve blown up balloons, attached a long string and attached written notes to the string and then let the balloons fly away with our message.

• In lieu of being able to buy Larry a gift I’ve made donations in his honor.

As the family or friend to someone who’s hurting, ask her how she may want to honor her loved one who’s no longer here. Don’t make any assumptions. Your friend may NOT want to do any of these things. Again, be respectful of her feelings. And above all else, do NOT bring a gift for the person who is no longer alive UNLESS you have cleared it with your friend. Your intentions are kind and caring, but during the holiday season feelings are heightened and more intense.

While there is no right or wrong way to celebrate there is one word of caution. DO NOT isolate yourself. If you’ve lost someone or this is a year your children are with the ex, find someone to spend the day with. It’s a fact that depression and anxiety are heightened during this time of the year. You want to take positive steps to heal – isolating yourself is not a positive step.

One last word: make sure to build into your day a little time for yourself no matter how you spend it. If at any moment you find you’re overwhelmed, excuse yourself, grab your coat and take a walk around the block, weather permitting. The fresh air will be soothing.

Remember, voice your needs, and your loved ones will listen.

I pray you’ll find some peace in your heart this Holiday season.

Pam

PS. The Halloween photo is from 2008. Last year I drew the Christmas card shown (Picasso I’m not!) I did dress up this year, check out my Instagram page to see our photos from Halloween this year.

Hello. I’ve shared with you in the Health page the various challenges I’ve faced over the past few years with my health. There’s no doubt in my mind that stress compromised my immune system.

I used to think I handled stress well. That was before Larry died, before my whole world got turned upside down and left me feeling as though my WHOLE life was one big stressor.

Besides the obvious grieving for my husband I also had to figure out how to help my children grieve. In addition, Larry was a sole proprietor and after he died the responsibility of keeping the business going fell on my shoulders. In one fell swoop I went from having a partner in life, parenting and business, to being on my own and being responsible for EVERYTHING!

This was definitely the most difficult time in my life and I now see I was in over my head. It’s no wonder my body couldn’t keep up. To make matters worse, that first year after Larry died I didn’t give much thought to what I put in my body. While I know I was doing the best I could, I wish had been better informed about the physical toll stress can have on the body.

Stress is something we all face. Even our children are experiencing more stress at a younger age. Stress can come in many forms: physical (injury), chemical (toxins), mental (worry), emotional (grief), nutritional (poor diet), traumatic (surgery) and psycho-spiritual (financial instability). With all the various forms of stress in the world there really is no escaping it.

So instead of asking how to avoid ALL stressful situations, the real questions are: what is stress and what does it do to the body? When is it good? When is it bad? And, what can we do to manage (i.e. live with) stress?

So what is stress?

Stress is the body’s natural defense mechanism against a threat, either real or perceived.

A real threat may arise when you’re crossing the street and notice a car is speeding toward you. An appropriate response would be to run for your life to avoid getting hit. You may notice your heart beating faster and you experience shortness of breath until you get to safety. After a short while your body will return to the state it was in before the car came speeding at you.

This is also known as the “flight or fight” response. According to Walter Cannon, a physiologist, neurologist and Harvard researcher, when there is threat, either perceived or real, the body will involuntarily prepare itself to flee (that is, to remove itself from conflict) or fight (protect itself or those around it). Cannon himself coined the term “flight or fight” after much research in the early 1900’s.

Now let’s discuss a threat that’s perceived. You may be working for a company that’s experiencing financial difficulties and continually lays off employees. You go to work each day in fear of being told that you, too, will be laid off. Your body experiences the same symptoms mentioned above; increased heart rate, shortness of breath and atypical sweating. The difference between this perceived threat and the real threat is that under a perceived threat the body doesn’t always return to the state it was before the threat arose. Hence you start to live in a state of chronic stress.

This is exactly what I faced when Larry was first diagnosed with his illness and it continued way past his death.

So what does happen to your body when it’s under stress?

When stress occurs the brain and pituitary gland respond by releasing adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). This hormone stimulates the adrenals to increase production of the hormones epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. The main adrenal hormones, epinephrine and norepinephrine, are the main stimuli to the stress response. This is what happens to the body when these hormones are released:

• Heart rate increases

• Blood pressure increases

• Body temperature may become irregular

• Certain blood vessels constrict to increase blood flow to muscles and brain (ever heard of superhuman strength during a time of crisis?)

• Blood flow to the digestive tract decreases (are you constipated or having difficulty losing weight?)

• Adrenaline raises blood sugar and stimulates the liver to produce and release more glucose into the blood. This is very important for everyone to understand but especially for those diagnosed with diabetes.

As I mentioned above, living with chronic stress does not allow the body to return to its normal homeostasis state (the state you were in before you lived with chronic stress).

Does all that information make you feel more stressed? Yikes!

But remember there is good stress and bad stress. What’s the difference?

I see this information as a good stressor. Knowledge is power and the more you understand internal and external factors that affect your level of stress the better you’ll get at taking time to actively manage stress in your daily life.

On the flip side, chronic stress is certainly not good for your body. Living in a chronic state of stress lowered my immune system, left me susceptible to many illnesses and I believe is the cause of my thyroid disorder. I’m sharing this with you to help you make better decisions, which will hopefully help you in coping with stress.

So what can you do to manage stress?

Psychologist Richard Lazarus believes it’s not stress that’s the problem, but your ability to handle stress that determines what it will do to your body. Here are some of the many stress management techniques you can put into practice:

• Exercise: start slowly if you’re beginning a new routine and be careful not to physically tax your body. Walking is an excellent way to get back into exercising.

• Eat a nutrient rich diet

• Go to counseling

• Try your hand at journaling

• Incorporate meditation and/or prayer into your day

• Remember: be gentle on yourself and the time you need to heal!

I will be covering all of these stress management techniques -and more- in future blog posts.

What about grief and stress?

This is a tough one, I’ll be the first to admit. We didn’t ask for this stress in our life, but we’re left to manage the best we can. I wish I knew four years ago what I know today (don’t we all!) Perhaps I would’ve followed the “be gentle on yourself” advice a little more closely. Or maybe I would’ve altered my diet sooner. But I can’t change the past and I certainly don’t dwell on it (who needs that kind of stress!) Instead, I focus on today and what steps I take in my life to manage stress going forward.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made since being diagnosed with valley fever in 2012 was to find a way back to writing. I gave up writing for the first two years after Larry died. I had too many other issues on my plate to deal with.

After getting sick and taking months to recover. I reevaluated my life and the amount of stress that was in it.

At this point, the majority of my stress was related to the business. Larry’s business was in real estate investment and development. I found I was most stressed when I had to deal with city inspectors, contractors, and unexpected issues that arose and cost more than anticipated (which is typical in remodels and development!)

I didn’t want to live with that kind of stress anymore so I had to make a choice: how did I want to live my life? To figure this out I asked myself the very same questions I posed to you in last week’s blog, Finding Your Higher Purpose.

This is my answer to last week’s questions:

• What comes to mind immediately when someone asks you what you love most? My children.

•What can you do over and over without it feeling like work? Write.

• What would you be doing right now even if you weren’t getting paid? Writing, helping others heal.

That’s when it hit me. I wanted to be a good mother to my children. When I’m stressed, I’ll admit, my patience is short, especially with my children. So I knew in order to be a good mom I had to be good to myself. I had to find a way to get back to doing what brings peace and joy in my life.

It took me almost another two years to prioritize and get my business affairs running smoothly so I could do what I’m doing today. It’s a juggling act most days trying to write, take classes for my holistic nutrition certification and take care of business issues as they come up, but finding a way to fit into my life what I love makes me more than willing to do it!

Thank you for being a part of my higher purpose!

Of course I still have stress in my life. Remember, I have three adolescent boys! But I practice various stress reducing techniques on a daily basis, depending on the situation.

I pray you’ll find a way to incorporate stress reducing techniques into your life.

Pam

 

PS. Be a friend and share this newsletter with anyone you know who may be living with chronic stress.

For years I struggled to find my purpose in life. I did everything I was supposed to do. I went to college and got a degree in accounting, then went on to more schooling to obtain my masters in finance so I could further my career. I held a lucrative position as a Regional Controller for Whole Foods Market. But something was missing. I yearned for a family.

That came in the year 2000: the best decade of my life. I got married, had three kids and took a leap of faith, turning in my accounting hat for a writer’s pen. For the next ten years I felt complete. As a mother I gave and received much love. As an aspiring writer I felt renewed with hopes and possibilities for a new career. Best of all I had the love and support of a wonderful husband who was the anchor to it all.

And then he died.

My anchor got pulled away and I was left to drift through life all on my own.

Nothing in the world made sense anymore. To make matters worse it seemed as though everyone was moving forward with their lives and I was stuck in a parallel existence. I lived with one foot in the past and one in the present. I didn’t even want to think about a future. All I could do was scream inside like a temperamental toddler, “I had a future, I want that future back!”

But life has a way of propelling you forward, forcing you to take the next step. Grief, however, added resistance every time I tried to move. It felt as though I was traveling up a downward moving staircase. And I kept slipping. I was so tired, I didn’t want to keep moving, the force against me felt too strong. But there was a bigger force within me that wouldn’t let me give up.

That force was my boundless love for my children.

I thank God every day for my children. They were my saving grace from the get go. They had no idea that my love for them and desire to help them heal far outweighed my exhaustion and yearning to crawl under a rock and hide. I pushed myself to get up and face the day for their sake. They became my motivation, my determination – my purpose for living.

They were so young. They didn’t deserve to have this trauma in their childhood. I felt horrible that I couldn’t protect them from the pain. Isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do? Clean the wound, kiss it and promise it would all be better? How could I promise something I wasn’t so sure about myself?

And what about me? Why couldn’t I get out of bed for myself? Unfortunately, this early in the grieving stage I really needed an external purpose. In the beginning, my sole focus and purpose for living was to be there for my children.

And therein lay the rub. To help my children heal, I had to heal as well.

Each day I had to get out of bed, make their breakfasts, lunches, and take them to school. Every afternoon I had to pick them up, do homework, go to an activity, feed them dinner then face the bed-time routine. I would collapse in my own bed very soon after saying good night to them, already dreading that I would have to face another day without Larry.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was affirming my own life, my own existence, one tiny step at a time. I’m sure you’ve heard the clichés over the years: “walk the talk,” “fake it until you make it…”

These notions stem from Aristotle’s ethics and virtues, where he once noted that we become virtuous by acting virtuously. The more we practice a habit, the more the habit becomes reality.

In the beginning I got out of bed each day to care for my children: they became my higher purpose. As time passed I started to get out of bed to live my own life.

Are you searching for your higher purpose? What gets you out of bed each day?

Here are some tips to help you find it:

• What comes to mind immediately when someone asks you what you love most?
• What can you do over and over without it feeling like work?
• What would you be doing right now even if you weren’t getting paid?

Answering these questions helped me immensely. My love for my children was what got me out of bed each morning. After a while, my desire to write came back, but with a different voice. And, after experiencing such a profound level of grief, a new purpose came to light: one that would help others heal. This soon became a driving force of who I am today.

My life today is certainly not what I would have I envisioned it to be five years ago. But as I learned when I sought a new purpose in creating a family, one’s purpose can and often does change as life changes.

Right now my life is filled with a multitude of purposes. My children remain at the top of the list in my life, but I have added more: my dogs, myself, my relationships with my family and friends and now a new community that makes me want to live my life to the best of my abilities.

I used to pray each day for Mother Mary to help me just get through the day, yearning for the moment I could crawl into my bed and go to sleep, to that place where I could escape reality.

Now I pray She helps me embrace each day, live in the moment and appreciate all I have.

I no longer dread the rising sun and all that waits for me ahead.

Life is still very hectic – how can it not be with three adolescent boys? I’m still alone (I haven’t remarried), but I don’t feel alone anymore. I’ve filled my life with love. The power of that love makes me want to experience every new day.

If grief has recently come into your life, you may be wondering if you even have a purpose. I’m here to tell you that you do, but you have to find it on your own.

Start with one simple question- what brings love into your life? Focus on that one thing, until you feel ready to ask the next question.

I pray you find love in your day,

Pam

PS. The boys in the photo are my children (photo from 2008). They helped me get through the most difficult time in my life. I love them to pieces!