Hello. I’ve shared with you in the Health page the various challenges I’ve faced over the past few years with my health. There’s no doubt in my mind that stress compromised my immune system.

I used to think I handled stress well. That was before Larry died, before my whole world got turned upside down and left me feeling as though my WHOLE life was one big stressor.

Besides the obvious grieving for my husband I also had to figure out how to help my children grieve. In addition, Larry was a sole proprietor and after he died the responsibility of keeping the business going fell on my shoulders. In one fell swoop I went from having a partner in life, parenting and business, to being on my own and being responsible for EVERYTHING!

This was definitely the most difficult time in my life and I now see I was in over my head. It’s no wonder my body couldn’t keep up. To make matters worse, that first year after Larry died I didn’t give much thought to what I put in my body. While I know I was doing the best I could, I wish had been better informed about the physical toll stress can have on the body.

Stress is something we all face. Even our children are experiencing more stress at a younger age. Stress can come in many forms: physical (injury), chemical (toxins), mental (worry), emotional (grief), nutritional (poor diet), traumatic (surgery) and psycho-spiritual (financial instability). With all the various forms of stress in the world there really is no escaping it.

So instead of asking how to avoid ALL stressful situations, the real questions are: what is stress and what does it do to the body? When is it good? When is it bad? And, what can we do to manage (i.e. live with) stress?

So what is stress?

Stress is the body’s natural defense mechanism against a threat, either real or perceived.

A real threat may arise when you’re crossing the street and notice a car is speeding toward you. An appropriate response would be to run for your life to avoid getting hit. You may notice your heart beating faster and you experience shortness of breath until you get to safety. After a short while your body will return to the state it was in before the car came speeding at you.

This is also known as the “flight or fight” response. According to Walter Cannon, a physiologist, neurologist and Harvard researcher, when there is threat, either perceived or real, the body will involuntarily prepare itself to flee (that is, to remove itself from conflict) or fight (protect itself or those around it). Cannon himself coined the term “flight or fight” after much research in the early 1900’s.

Now let’s discuss a threat that’s perceived. You may be working for a company that’s experiencing financial difficulties and continually lays off employees. You go to work each day in fear of being told that you, too, will be laid off. Your body experiences the same symptoms mentioned above; increased heart rate, shortness of breath and atypical sweating. The difference between this perceived threat and the real threat is that under a perceived threat the body doesn’t always return to the state it was before the threat arose. Hence you start to live in a state of chronic stress.

This is exactly what I faced when Larry was first diagnosed with his illness and it continued way past his death.

So what does happen to your body when it’s under stress?

When stress occurs the brain and pituitary gland respond by releasing adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). This hormone stimulates the adrenals to increase production of the hormones epinephrine, norepinephrine, and cortisol. The main adrenal hormones, epinephrine and norepinephrine, are the main stimuli to the stress response. This is what happens to the body when these hormones are released:

• Heart rate increases

• Blood pressure increases

• Body temperature may become irregular

• Certain blood vessels constrict to increase blood flow to muscles and brain (ever heard of superhuman strength during a time of crisis?)

• Blood flow to the digestive tract decreases (are you constipated or having difficulty losing weight?)

• Adrenaline raises blood sugar and stimulates the liver to produce and release more glucose into the blood. This is very important for everyone to understand but especially for those diagnosed with diabetes.

As I mentioned above, living with chronic stress does not allow the body to return to its normal homeostasis state (the state you were in before you lived with chronic stress).

Does all that information make you feel more stressed? Yikes!

But remember there is good stress and bad stress. What’s the difference?

I see this information as a good stressor. Knowledge is power and the more you understand internal and external factors that affect your level of stress the better you’ll get at taking time to actively manage stress in your daily life.

On the flip side, chronic stress is certainly not good for your body. Living in a chronic state of stress lowered my immune system, left me susceptible to many illnesses and I believe is the cause of my thyroid disorder. I’m sharing this with you to help you make better decisions, which will hopefully help you in coping with stress.

So what can you do to manage stress?

Psychologist Richard Lazarus believes it’s not stress that’s the problem, but your ability to handle stress that determines what it will do to your body. Here are some of the many stress management techniques you can put into practice:

• Exercise: start slowly if you’re beginning a new routine and be careful not to physically tax your body. Walking is an excellent way to get back into exercising.

• Eat a nutrient rich diet

• Go to counseling

• Try your hand at journaling

• Incorporate meditation and/or prayer into your day

• Remember: be gentle on yourself and the time you need to heal!

I will be covering all of these stress management techniques -and more- in future blog posts.

What about grief and stress?

This is a tough one, I’ll be the first to admit. We didn’t ask for this stress in our life, but we’re left to manage the best we can. I wish I knew four years ago what I know today (don’t we all!) Perhaps I would’ve followed the “be gentle on yourself” advice a little more closely. Or maybe I would’ve altered my diet sooner. But I can’t change the past and I certainly don’t dwell on it (who needs that kind of stress!) Instead, I focus on today and what steps I take in my life to manage stress going forward.

One of the biggest changes I’ve made since being diagnosed with valley fever in 2012 was to find a way back to writing. I gave up writing for the first two years after Larry died. I had too many other issues on my plate to deal with.

After getting sick and taking months to recover. I reevaluated my life and the amount of stress that was in it.

At this point, the majority of my stress was related to the business. Larry’s business was in real estate investment and development. I found I was most stressed when I had to deal with city inspectors, contractors, and unexpected issues that arose and cost more than anticipated (which is typical in remodels and development!)

I didn’t want to live with that kind of stress anymore so I had to make a choice: how did I want to live my life? To figure this out I asked myself the very same questions I posed to you in last week’s blog, Finding Your Higher Purpose.

This is my answer to last week’s questions:

• What comes to mind immediately when someone asks you what you love most? My children.

•What can you do over and over without it feeling like work? Write.

• What would you be doing right now even if you weren’t getting paid? Writing, helping others heal.

That’s when it hit me. I wanted to be a good mother to my children. When I’m stressed, I’ll admit, my patience is short, especially with my children. So I knew in order to be a good mom I had to be good to myself. I had to find a way to get back to doing what brings peace and joy in my life.

It took me almost another two years to prioritize and get my business affairs running smoothly so I could do what I’m doing today. It’s a juggling act most days trying to write, take classes for my holistic nutrition certification and take care of business issues as they come up, but finding a way to fit into my life what I love makes me more than willing to do it!

Thank you for being a part of my higher purpose!

Of course I still have stress in my life. Remember, I have three adolescent boys! But I practice various stress reducing techniques on a daily basis, depending on the situation.

I pray you’ll find a way to incorporate stress reducing techniques into your life.

Pam

 

PS. Be a friend and share this newsletter with anyone you know who may be living with chronic stress.

For years I struggled to find my purpose in life. I did everything I was supposed to do. I went to college and got a degree in accounting, then went on to more schooling to obtain my masters in finance so I could further my career. I held a lucrative position as a Regional Controller for Whole Foods Market. But something was missing. I yearned for a family.

That came in the year 2000: the best decade of my life. I got married, had three kids and took a leap of faith, turning in my accounting hat for a writer’s pen. For the next ten years I felt complete. As a mother I gave and received much love. As an aspiring writer I felt renewed with hopes and possibilities for a new career. Best of all I had the love and support of a wonderful husband who was the anchor to it all.

And then he died.

My anchor got pulled away and I was left to drift through life all on my own.

Nothing in the world made sense anymore. To make matters worse it seemed as though everyone was moving forward with their lives and I was stuck in a parallel existence. I lived with one foot in the past and one in the present. I didn’t even want to think about a future. All I could do was scream inside like a temperamental toddler, “I had a future, I want that future back!”

But life has a way of propelling you forward, forcing you to take the next step. Grief, however, added resistance every time I tried to move. It felt as though I was traveling up a downward moving staircase. And I kept slipping. I was so tired, I didn’t want to keep moving, the force against me felt too strong. But there was a bigger force within me that wouldn’t let me give up.

That force was my boundless love for my children.

I thank God every day for my children. They were my saving grace from the get go. They had no idea that my love for them and desire to help them heal far outweighed my exhaustion and yearning to crawl under a rock and hide. I pushed myself to get up and face the day for their sake. They became my motivation, my determination – my purpose for living.

They were so young. They didn’t deserve to have this trauma in their childhood. I felt horrible that I couldn’t protect them from the pain. Isn’t that what a parent is supposed to do? Clean the wound, kiss it and promise it would all be better? How could I promise something I wasn’t so sure about myself?

And what about me? Why couldn’t I get out of bed for myself? Unfortunately, this early in the grieving stage I really needed an external purpose. In the beginning, my sole focus and purpose for living was to be there for my children.

And therein lay the rub. To help my children heal, I had to heal as well.

Each day I had to get out of bed, make their breakfasts, lunches, and take them to school. Every afternoon I had to pick them up, do homework, go to an activity, feed them dinner then face the bed-time routine. I would collapse in my own bed very soon after saying good night to them, already dreading that I would have to face another day without Larry.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that I was affirming my own life, my own existence, one tiny step at a time. I’m sure you’ve heard the clichés over the years: “walk the talk,” “fake it until you make it…”

These notions stem from Aristotle’s ethics and virtues, where he once noted that we become virtuous by acting virtuously. The more we practice a habit, the more the habit becomes reality.

In the beginning I got out of bed each day to care for my children: they became my higher purpose. As time passed I started to get out of bed to live my own life.

Are you searching for your higher purpose? What gets you out of bed each day?

Here are some tips to help you find it:

• What comes to mind immediately when someone asks you what you love most?
• What can you do over and over without it feeling like work?
• What would you be doing right now even if you weren’t getting paid?

Answering these questions helped me immensely. My love for my children was what got me out of bed each morning. After a while, my desire to write came back, but with a different voice. And, after experiencing such a profound level of grief, a new purpose came to light: one that would help others heal. This soon became a driving force of who I am today.

My life today is certainly not what I would have I envisioned it to be five years ago. But as I learned when I sought a new purpose in creating a family, one’s purpose can and often does change as life changes.

Right now my life is filled with a multitude of purposes. My children remain at the top of the list in my life, but I have added more: my dogs, myself, my relationships with my family and friends and now a new community that makes me want to live my life to the best of my abilities.

I used to pray each day for Mother Mary to help me just get through the day, yearning for the moment I could crawl into my bed and go to sleep, to that place where I could escape reality.

Now I pray She helps me embrace each day, live in the moment and appreciate all I have.

I no longer dread the rising sun and all that waits for me ahead.

Life is still very hectic – how can it not be with three adolescent boys? I’m still alone (I haven’t remarried), but I don’t feel alone anymore. I’ve filled my life with love. The power of that love makes me want to experience every new day.

If grief has recently come into your life, you may be wondering if you even have a purpose. I’m here to tell you that you do, but you have to find it on your own.

Start with one simple question- what brings love into your life? Focus on that one thing, until you feel ready to ask the next question.

I pray you find love in your day,

Pam

PS. The boys in the photo are my children (photo from 2008). They helped me get through the most difficult time in my life. I love them to pieces!

Dear Friend,

Today, October 15th, marks the four-year anniversary of my husband Larry’s death.

It was a Wednesday when I had to face the reality that my husband would not live much longer.

The ventilator was breathing for him and it was only a matter of time, his doctors told me. I could not comprehend at that moment the full impact of Larry not being with me every day for the rest of my life. I knew I wanted to savor every last second we had together and I pushed away as much as I could any thoughts of him dying.

I talked to him, I caressed his arm, and I slept in a chair next to his bed with his hand in mine the whole night. I couldn’t let go, not yet, it was too soon. We have three young boys, we have so many plans for our future together. I sat in the chair, with the lights out, all I could think was; this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

Larry died two days later due to complications that arose from Acute Myeloid Leukemia. A day that is forever engraved on my soul, October 15, 2010, a Friday. A day when most people are celebrating the end of the work week and making plans for the weekend, I had to make plans for my husbands’ funeral. I stared out the window the whole way home from the hospital and all I could think was; this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

We flew to Chicago for the wake and funeral since the majority of family and friends were there. Chicago was our home before we moved to Arizona. Chicago is where Larry and I met, fell in love, and created a family. It only felt right I bring him home. But even as I drove through familiar streets, greeted family and friends over the course of a week, all I could think was; this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

The whole week felt as though the real me had been abducted and an impostor, one who could go through the motions and think about mundane things like “I wish I had time to color my hair before I left Arizona,” was sent in my place. Physically it was me in that body accepting well wishes and condolences, but emotionally I had shut down. I kept waiting for the moment where I would break down or faint at some point during the week, but I didn’t. I listened as people commented on how strong I was, how I had to be there for the kids.

What is wrong with me, I thought more than once, why do I feel so numb?

I didn’t know then that my body had mercifully kept going while my mind went on autopilot.

After a week the kids and I flew back to Arizona. On the drive from the airport to our house I found myself staring out the car window once more, with the same thought, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening.

The next morning, utterly exhausted, I had to go through the motions of getting my children ready for school. We all sat at the kitchen table that morning, speechless, picking at our food, and wishing we didn’t have to face the day ahead, none of us were ready to face reality, face a life without Larry. The boys didn’t want to go to school, but I told them they had to. I drove them to school, walked each one to their classroom and gave each one a hug and said “I love you,” before I turned and walked away, my heart breaking for my children.

Walking through the door once I got home I was not greeted by Larry, who worked from home and would usually be in the kitchen getting a cup of coffee. I did not see the smile on his face as I used to when he would turn and ask me, “Everyone get off ok?” Instead I was greeted by pain, fear and a deafening silence. Eleven days had passed since Larry died. Eleven days of being in the company of others, eleven days of keeping my mind busy with tasks, eleven days I was able to keep reality at bay. But no longer, today was the moment it hit me- Yes, it happened, Yes, Larry is gone. I am alone, completely and utterly all alone. God help me.

This new reality hit me like a tidal wave causing my knees to buckle and my body to crumble to the floor. It felt as though someone had kicked me in the stomach and I couldn’t catch my breath. Every facet of my existence was in pain. Physically my whole body ached, emotionally I felt confused and abandoned, and spiritually I felt as though I was surrounded by darkness. For a brief moment I honestly didn’t care if I lived or died, I wanted this unbearable pain to go away.

Shock is the body’s mechanism of coping with the unbearable. Shock from Larry’s death kept me going those first eleven days.

If I had tried to absorb the pain all at once, I may never have stood up again.

But there comes a moment when the shock slides away and we have to face reality.

That is when grief sets in and day by day we begin to understand our lives will never be the same.

I share this first morning home alone without Larry with you for a couple of reasons. In order to understand how far I have come, you have to understand how far I fell. Also, I suspect if you have suffered a great loss you, too, have had a similar fall from grace that left you paralyzed and unsure how to move forward.

Although your life may never be the same, you still have a life. You can still live it to the best of your abilities.

No matter if it’s recent or years have passed, you’re not alone. I am here to hold your hand, walk by your side and let you know, that one day, you will be ok. No matter at what point of grief you are, keep taking one step at a time.

One day you will laugh and it won’t be accompanied by a twinge of guilt. One day the sun will be so bright and filled with hope for your future you’ll need to shield your eyes. One day, your heart will not ache as painfully as it did the day your loved one left this existence. It all starts with one step, take that step today.

It’s been four years since Larry passed away. Some days it feels like yesterday, others it feels like forever. I’ve done my best to create a life for me and my children that is filled with love and joy. Larry would expect nothing less of me.

You too will find a way.

Peace be with you in every step,

Pam

PS. The tree in the picture is planted at my home in honor of Larry. It’s a Tipu tree that is fast growing with an umbrella canopy to provide lots of shade. In the spring a coat of golden bloom flowers will appear. The plaque shown is placed with the tree along with a bench. This brings me peace that whenever I feel the need I can walk outside and sit quietly for a little while.